Better sex – Part 2/4: Organic chemistry

Each human individual has other sexual preferences which is why general principles for “good sex” cannot easily be defined. While the fact stands that no two human individuals have the same sexual preferences in equal proportions, it is possible to observe some basics of how a vulva or a penis move and react during sexual arousal and intercourse and what, therefore, constitutes enjoyable sex. Since the vast majority of present human societies are built on the patriarchy which suppresses female sexual desire substantially and far more than male desire (patriarchal suppression in men suppresses their romantic level and thus their empathy), the following recommendations will emphasize the sexual function of female genitals.

Each body that is feeling sexual desire and arousal automatically contracts the muscles around the genital area. When people masturbate or engage in sexual activities, many describe these contractions as sudden movements over the whole body, which they find difficult to repress. In a female body with a vulva this behaviour presents itself in the following way: If a dildo, a finger or a penis are put into the vagina and moved back and forth, and the respective woman likes being penetrated in this way, she unconsciously pulls together the muscles around the vagina and relaxes them again. The stronger this movement is, the more aroused the woman will feel, until these contractions are strongest during the female orgasm.

During all straight sexual activities, especially penis-in-vagina intercourse, said muscle movements are not only producing pleasure for the woman, however, they also massage the penis which is inside the vagina, between the muscles. This is usually just as pleasurable for the man. Concerning fucking, this means for a man: The more pleasure the woman feels, the more his penis will get massaged and the more pleasure he, also, will feel. We can therefore safely conclude that a man who considers the desire of the woman he is having sex with “too much work” actually behaves stupidly even from an egocentric perspective: He rids himself of a pleasurable penis massage.

These body workings are directly transferable to same-sex sexual activities: During lesbian intercourse, be it with fingers, tongue or a dildo, the muscle movements are pleasurable to the receiving as well as the giving woman who is able to feel directly how the other woman is enjoying her actions. The muscles around the anus move exactly like the ones around the vulva (in a female and in a male body). During gay anal intercourse which is pleasurable to the receiving man, his muscle movements massage the penis of the giving man just as well.

Better sex – Part 3/4: How to really pleasure a woman (for men)

Many straight or bisexual women who are in a straight relationship complain about the following:

“When my boyfriend/husband is inside me during sex, it feels as if he is just poking around. His movements are not unpleasant, but other than that, I don’t feel much. I rarely / never reach orgasm with the help of penetration. Other techniques, however, such as when I touch myself, or when he goes down on me, work much better.”

A man who is “poking around” is giving most women the impression that he is choosing his movements randomly or is only following his own desire. This incompetence, however, is most often a consequence of him being inexperienced with sexual intercourse. He has either had just a few times sex yet, or his past sexual experiences and/or former relationship(s) happened with women who were just as inexperienced and could not provide him guidance on how to do better.

As I have observed, the man’s erratic style is not given by nature, instead, he unconsciously follows a seemingly logical path. There are very few men actually who do not care at all whether they are giving the woman sexual pleasure. The reason is instead rooted in the fact, that most men are raised in the social role “man”, a set of behavioural rules that produce toxic masculinity in real life. One of these false beliefs of the social role “man” states:

“More is always better.”

Among other things, this belief is the origin of the obsession and the inferiority complex that many men feel about their penis’ size (“Bigger is always better”). Women are often baffled by the extent of such concerns, either because they have been raised in the social role “woman” which doesn’t contain such a belief, or because, as owner of a vagina, they know from their own experience that too big a penis can complicate intercourse or even cause them pain. As a consequence, the latter will see the man with the biggest penis as an interesting erotic experiment maybe, but will choose a man with a practical penis size for a long-term sexual involvement or a romantic relationship. Only a minority of women will actually prefer a very large size.

During all straight sexual activities, especially penis-in-vagina intercourse – but also cunnilingus, penetration with fingers or a dildo, and anal intercourse – the same belief causes another difficulty: The man thinks that the harder, faster or deeper he goes, the more the woman will enjoy the sex. This is the origin of two behaviours that so many women complain about, so that, among female friends, they have become a cliché when they tell the story of their last sexual encounter:

  • At the beginning of penetration, the man goes as deep as he can, followed by fast thrusts, thinking that the woman will find the most pleasure in sex like a rocket launch.
  • If the woman is showing signs of sexual enjoyment, he increases his speed (further) or thrusts her even more deeply. He thinks that if his movements are so good that she is undoubtedly enjoying them, then moving faster and deeper will give her even more pleasure.

Both techniques are, however, a misunderstanding: Most female bodies simply do not work in this way.

Rocket launch

For a woman to experience pleasure out of movements inside her vagina, two conditions must be met:

  1. She must have a vaginal erection.
  2. She must be lubricated: Both the inside of her vagina and its entrance should offer a good glide.
1. Vaginal erection

A vagina that is erect adapts to the length, diameter and shape of an inserted penis, finger or object which is the basic requirement for pleasurable penetration. How long a vagina takes to adapt to a given size, however, differs by the individual – it can take a few seconds to some minutes. Both time spans are healthy and depend on how relaxed the woman feels, and how well the outside and inside of her vagina have been “turned on”, which is commonly known as foreplay. If she has had too little time to adjust herself to the “filling”, or has not enjoyed the kind of touch (or the lack thereof) that she has received, the penetration chafes in yet unprepared areas, which the woman experiences as an uncomfortable feeling.

The amount of relaxation depends highly on whether the man ensures her wishes are met just as he pursues his own, in short, whether he values fairness. Unfortunately, there are always men who deem giving foreplay unnecessary. Therefore, they only offer it at the firm request of the woman, and even then they do it, visibly annoyed, in a “I’ll be glad when it’s over”-fashion. Ironically, a man of this type always gives himself sufficient foreplay, either with sexual fantasies, by watching porn, or by masturbation. When he feels ready for penetration, he addresses the woman, who is surprised by his desire, as she hasn’t done anything to get into the mood, and thus doesn’t have an erection of her own. Another version is that both start at the same time, with the man enjoying when the woman gives him head or offers a helping hand. As soon as he has a sufficient erection, he wants to start penetration – while he didn’t provide pleasant stimulation or simply didn’t allow the time for the woman to get a sufficient erection as well.

2. Lubrication

Although every woman gets wet when she is sexually aroused, the amount of fluid differs by the individual. Some get so wet the juice is running down their thighs, while others produce only a few drops that become visible only after penetration has taken place. Both amounts are healthy and do not state anything about the kind of sex she wants to have right now: A very wet woman does not necessarily desire hard fucking, and an apparently dry woman can be nevertheless especially horny. Best way to find out: Ask her. If she is among the women who become little wet by their own fluid or if she has just a less wet day (maybe because she isn’t hydrated or due to stress) – use lubricant, spit, or any gliding product that is healthy for human membranes to provide the necessary glide (water alone doesn’t work because it doesn’t stick). This gliding effect must be given everywhere inside the vagina and at its entrance, otherwise the penetrating object adheres to the too dry area which generates an uncomfortable feeling.

Therefore, the first few movements inside the vagina have the purpose to allow her vagina to adapt to whatever is inside and to distribute fluid evenly over the parts of her vulva which are involved in penetration.

If, however, the man begins to insert his penis with great depth or speed, for most women, the penetration does not produce the intended effect of giving her pleasant feelings, but gives her a neutral, boring feeling or even unpleasant chafing instead. This is not quite the ideal beginning of an enjoyable sexual experience. For a sensitive woman or one who has just overcome a genital infection shortly before (like a urinary tract infection), this technique can even feel mainly painful and will most likely terminate her interest in further sexual interaction immediately.

More is not necessarily better

For a woman (or any receiving sex partner) to feel any sexual pleasure, she must allow herself to let go and follow his movements. If she is showing signs of pleasure, she has found a good rhythm to follow – meaning, that she enjoys the man’s movements, just how they are right now. If the man changes his movements at this point, he is also changing the pattern the woman has adapted to, which causes her feelings of pleasure to drop or disappear suddenly. The woman will need some time to adjust herself to the changed pattern. But, as soon as she has relaxed sufficiently to enjoy the new pattern and shows signs of pleasure again, the man tries again to speed up his movements, and her pleasure drops again, etc.

While it would be simple to observe this linear dynamic, the situation is more complicated. No man is able to speed up his movements consistently like a fucking-machine. A man who is constantly trying to fuck harder, will therefore slow down suddenly and then speed up again, either because the fast thrusts exhaust him or excite him too much and put him close to his orgasm too soon.

This leads to total confusion of the woman. Every time when she is in a good rhythm and feels pleasure, the feeling drops suddenly. Furthermore, the man is not only abruptly moving faster, but is also abruptly slowing down, in a seemingly random order, and as a consequence, she does not know what to expect next and how to adjust herself. As a result, this requires the woman to concentrate excessively to feel constant pleasure during sexual intercourse, or she gives up and does not react to the man’s movements (any more), just waiting for him to come since the concentration exercise is (or has become) too exhausting compared to its pleasure gain.

All of this originated in the fact that he was raised in the social role “man” and is therefore mostly unconscious and not chosen behaviour. Unfortunately, many men actively perpetuate their beliefs from there, in that they blame the woman for “not doing it right” or “not working as she should”, and silence or slutshame her whenever she communicates her “abnormal” desires and wishes before or during sex.

As a man, you can stop this dynamic by doing the following:

Before you go between her legs, make sure you have washed or disinfected your hands. Women can contract (and spread) many infections simply by getting germs from unwashed hands onto or inside their vagina. These infections make sex painful and life unpleasant, and usually require a week or longer to treat, in which time no penetration should occur. Pro tip: I haven’t met one woman, who liked cold hands during sex. To avoid cold hands after washing: If you have access to warm water, let it rinse over your wrists for a few seconds. If not, put your hands between your thighs for a minute afterwards.

Begin sex with touching other spots of her body than her genitals, in a way that she gets aroused- meaning, not too firm. As a rule of thumb, touch her half as firm as you originally wanted to. Additionally, most women enjoy when you start further outside, and then move towards her vulva. This doesn’t mean endless foreplay, just that you should provide a few dedicated touches. A whole minute of deliberate foreplay can make the difference between sex that she wants to do again, and yet another boring encounter. Then you can move on to penetration.

No matter how urgently you desire to fuck her hard – if you want her to like it, her vagina needs to adapt to the shape and size of your penis first. Three techniques do the trick:

  • Use your fingers to touch the entrance of her vagina, and then move slowly (!) inside, and feel how her vagina is widening, and how she gets wet. As soon as you can comfortably fit as many fingers as your penis is wide inside her, she is able to receive you with pleasure.
  • Use your penis, and go fully inside, but then remain still or just do minimal movements to support your own erection, until her whole body visibly relaxes (or she starts to move, or tells you to get going).
  • Use your penis, but go half as deep and half as fast as you would like it right now. If you wish to increase depth and/or speed, as a rule of thumb, do it after the fifth thrust at the earliest.

Exception to all these tricks: She tells you directly to skip foreplay, that she enjoys a completely different foreplay better, or that she wants you to fuck her harder.

If the woman starts showing signs of pleasure after this initial phase, meaning that she is suddenly taking deep breaths, moaning, or making affirmative sounds such as “Yes!”, “Ooh”, etc. continue your movements exactly as they are. It is by the way not relevant whether you are fucking her fast or slowly – the important part is to keep the rhythm the same! Therefore select a sufficiently comfortable position where you can apply depth and speed in such a way that you can carry on longer than a few seconds, without having to change your pattern. If you have trouble keeping a rhythm, play some music with the right tempo in the background, and just carry on. You will thrust to the music, even if you do not focus on it.

Change depth, speed, angle, or technique only if one of the following happens:

  • She tells you directly that she likes it better faster or slower, deeper or less deeper.
  • You want to try a specific move.
  • You find that you do not gain sufficient pleasure from your own movements.
  • You happen to lie/sit/stand uncomfortably and would like to change into a more comfortable position.

If you cannot tell whether she is (still) enjoying the sex, but very quietly, has dozed off, is writing the grocery list in her mind, or is watching the television running nearby, ask her to tell or show you what feels good for her. If she does not like to show loud signs of pleasure, such as moaning, she can simply say “Yes” as soon as one of your movements causes her sexual pleasure.

While male desire comes in an unbroken exponential curve, female desire moves in waves becoming larger over time. With much sexual experience, these waves change and meet in the middle. If the woman experiences something as rather neutral this does not mean that she does not enjoy the overall sex – the next pleasure wave may already be on its way and kick in mere seconds later. If she, however, shows that something feels neutral and does not get better over half of a minute – or shows any reaction that you do not understand – pause your movements, and ask her what she wants you to do right now. If she is not able to tell you because she does not know for sure either, encourage her to experiment a little with her body. A self-confident woman will begin to experiment by herself.

Give her some time and space: She will not (be able to) find the perfect position immediately, and may have to readjust the position of her arms, legs or pelvis several times, before she wants to continue penetration. She may even request you to continue your movements, only to signalize shortly afterwards that she needs a pause again because the position does not feel as good as she has thought.

If she is making little corrections to her position, these have their purpose: By moving away from you, she is probably correcting too much pressure, or too deep penetration. By moving towards you, or to the side, she adapts your stimulation to be most effective. When this happens, do not readjust your own body, as this confuses the situation again. Just continue whatever you were doing before, and feel how she is enjoying you.

Do not ask her immediately after a change, whether she finds it better – as her body must first adjust itself to the new conditions, she won’t be able to know that so quickly. Again, just continue: If the change was a good idea, you will recognise this by her renewed signs of pleasure. If you are unsure, you can ask her of course – but allow for some time delay.

The following solutions are frequent:

  • To shift the position slightly
  • To apply or reapply additional lubrication
  • To wipe over parts that are too wet (as this is causing insufficient stimulation)
  • To change speed
  • To change depth
  • To change entirely into another sex position
  • To alter the position so she can touch herself to enhance pleasure.

A likely result of her experimenting will be that she will touch her clitoris, use a toy, or rub against something in order to come. This can increase pleasure for her before, during and after penetration. She may not be able to come through your penetration alone. If this is a surprise to you because you have seen women come by penetration many times in movies or porn and you wonder whether something is wrong with her or with you, don’t worry, as you have fallen prey to a very common sex myth:

Women do not orgasm with their vagina, but with their clitoris. The most sensitive parts of the clitoris lie outside the vagina, around and below the visible clitoral head. Only a minority of women is able to orgasm just by penetration, because an inner part of her clitoris has grown into a lucky position and is reached by penetration. According to a study from 2017, that minority is one out of five, although in my personal experience, the number is significantly lower. So, if you had 3 ex-girlfriends, and 2 hook-ups before now, and all of them came just by penetration, or at least claimed to, then, in all probability, at least four of them were faking it, and maybe one was telling the truth.

All these behaviours are healthy and form an essential part of good sex since they make it possible to find the best conditions under which all individuals involved get the most pleasure out of what’s happening.

Should you find the results of her experimentation “weird” or disconcerting at some point, be careful, as this is your toxic masculinity speaking. Your sex partner was raised in the social role “woman”, which means that she has been shamed for her sexual desires by the majority of her social environment, for her whole life. To feel her body and sexuality with you watching, and, especially, to experiment with that, has already required quite some courage. If you get impatient, unnerved or derogatory about what she is doing now and show it openly or comment accordingly (“You look strange”, “Ugh, what are you doing now?!”, “Are you a slut, or what?”, etc.), this can mean that:

  • This is the last time she has sex with you.
  • Annoyed, she breaks off sex, and confronts your unfair behaviour.
  • She stops experimenting, and just goes through the motions of what you want. This can last for weeks or months, with boring formulaic sex – or no sex at all while she gets creative on excuses (every time you try to initiate sex, she is suddenly suffering from “migraine”). By unconsciously continuing toxic masculinity, you encouraged her to unconsciously drop back into toxic femininity.

You can rectify this by treating her “weird” sexual desires as a natural part of her: Stop slutshaming, and stop being mean, even as a joke. You wouldn’t want her to make a disgusted face after seeing your o-face, either. The sooner you change this for good, the more likely she will trust you again, so that you can resume your quest for good sex.

The best strategy is simply watching her experimentation without comment, and being helpful (by adjusting cushions, handing lubricant or sex toys, etc.). If you notice that you are becoming impatient, relax, and remind yourself that sex will not always be like that, but that she is finding techniques right now which she will be able to apply much faster in a few months, because she is developing a better feeling for her own body, her sexual desires, and you as sexual partner. What you can and even should tell her, are compliments (“You look so hot!”), or if sex acts she is performing on you become physically unpleasant (“Ow! This doesn’t work, could you try … ?”)

At first glance, a sexually inexperienced woman, who would like to enjoy the sex with you, but simply does not know how yet, looks the same as an intentionally ignorant woman, who has no interest in mutual pleasure, but uses sexual intercourse as a sort of currency instead, in order to obtain romantic attention, gifts or financial support (“a kept woman”). If you apply all these measures, you will be able to recognize without doubt which of these two types you have encountered.

You have met an intentionally ignorant woman, if she:

  • Does not react to your requests to tell you what she likes or dislikes – both during sex, and in discussions afterwards.
  • Claims that she would like to be more interactive during sex, but then freezes and does nothing, and never addresses the topic by herself again.
  • Snaps at you when you pause during sex to ask her what she wants.
  • Tells you that your discussion attempts would be “unnerving” or “immature”, and that “a real man” would know what she wants without asking – or, that a former sex partner would have known it all by himself.

Should she show one of these reactions, best break off sex and demand fair behaviour. If she is honestly confused about what’s going on, she has probably reacted destructively as a pre-emptive strike because she has hastily assumed that you will shame her as soon as she shows sexual initiative, like other men before you. In this case try to be very friendly and ensure her that you will enable her sexual wishes just as you pursue yours, in other words, that you will be fair. Should she, however, show no willingness to learn and tries to put up a fight instead, get up and out, even if the sex partner is your girlfriend or wife. Better an open conflict, that forces her to drop her game and communicate so that you might have better sex afterwards, than the prospect of lifelong bad sex.

Better sex – Part 4/4: How to enjoy sex with a man (for women)

Many straight or bisexual men in a straight relationship complain about the following issue:

“I am afraid that my girlfriend/wife doesn’t enjoy sex the way I do. During, she usually seems quite disinterested which makes sex less and less fun for me, too. Afterwards, it is – almost always – me who has to initiate the next time, apparently she doesn’t miss it if it doesn’t happen.”

A woman, who shows only few or no desire signals during sex, indicates to her man that does not find him sexually interesting. The fact that the woman cooperates so little, however, nearly always happens because she is sexually inexperienced. Either she has not had sex very often yet, or her former sex encounters and/or romantic relationships happened with men who were likewise inexperienced and could not show her something that she found sexually pleasing.

Many women, however, without noticing it, play their part in keeping sex lukewarm or unsatisfactory indefinitely: Most women actually do find their buddy / boyfriend / husband sexually interesting. The reason of their indifference is based on wrong expectations: The codes of behaviour of the role “woman” on which a girl’s education is based from an early age onwards, require them to have no sexual desires of their own. As a consequence, most women learn as children or teenagers to subconsciously suppress any such feelings and “to be a good girl” in order to avoid constant negative reactions (also termed slutshaming) from their social environment. Subsequently, they no longer feel their own sexual arousal and experiment less with their body and their sexual fantasies than most boys and men. This causes most women to achieve a good knowledge of their sexual preferences only in their thirties or later, including issues which have become clear to most men since the beginning of their puberty, as for instance, which kind of touch within their genital range is pleasant and which is not.

This is why a woman does not communicate her sexual wishes in straight sex encounters – either because she does not know these herself, or because she fears – in hasty prejudice or from sorrowful experience – the guy might slutshame her for that. As a result, the same woman expects from her buddy / boyfriend / husband that he helps her to discover her sexuality, because he – apparently – seems to have more sexual experience. The prejudice is not entirely wrong – being educated in the role “man” has left his sexuality mostly intact – however, he has only assembled more sexual experience with his own body and anatomy. With a female body he is, in all probability, much more clueless than the woman herself.

Unfortunately, the woman often reacts destructively to this realization: She is disappointed that her guy cannot fulfil her expectations. Therefore she “lets the sex happen” passively, or pretends to have signals of lust or even an orgasm in order to “get it over with”. Secretly, of course, she will be angry about the guy and project her rage onto other activities of their relationship. The man must get along with their shared sexuality without information on the part of his woman, or with scraps of (often incorrect) knowledge from porn, which naturally guarantees a future of (more) bad sex.

As a woman you can leave this destructive spiral as follows:

Do not expect from your male counterpart that he is better versed with a (for him) unknown, female body than you, who has been living in such a body for all your life. You always perceive best what does feel pleasant or not, therefore it is also your responsibility to communicate these perceptions and wishes. Thus – say something, if you find his movements too firm, too gentle, too quick, too slow, too deep or not deep enough. It is important that you do that verbally, with words! Your buddy / boyfriend / husband will not notice different volumes of moaning or sounds of breath, or if he does, he won’t understand correctly what they mean, if you did not provide a translation to him before. If you do not yet know what makes you horny yourself – no problem: You can – by recalling the things which do not feel good – slowly discover, what remains and does feel good. Be it from inexperience or because you are trying out something new – take your time in order to find your optimal conditions:

  • Position your arms, hands, and legs until everything lies comfortably.
  • Place yourself on cushions or rolled up covers with your head, back, belly or pelvis.
  • Sit or kneel in a way that your feet are balanced.
  • Support your feet with a table, a stool or the wall.
  • Ask your guy to hold your legs, or put them onto his shoulders.

Experiment with the possibilities any time something feels uncomfortable. Ask your guy for a short break in his movements, or that he should let you more freedom of movement. Briefly explain to him, however, what you are intending (“Wait a moment, I must reposition myself” / “I need … etc.”), so that you are on the same page, and that he can, if necessary, help you with it (handing you something, adjust the cushions, etc.).

Don’t get stressed: It is entirely healthy that your body might need a few seconds to adjust itself after a change to new conditions to be able to continue feeling lust and desire again. After each change, wait a little in order to realize whether the situation already fits. If not, you can try out the next change. Everything is allowed that feels good for both of you. The more frequently you have sex, and play this trial-and-error game, the faster you will find out which positions are pleasant to you, and the faster you will be able to adjust yourself to them next time.

Since the female main sexual organ is not the vagina, but the clitoris, find out how you can stimulate your clitoris well, while your guy adds other stimulation (fucks you into your vagina, pleasures you orally, fingers you or stimulates your anus). Some women can do clitoris stimulation best with their hands, others have more fun with a vibrator. In any case try different vibrators, with varying strengths or patterns of vibration (continuously soft, continuously strong, rhythmically changing etc.), in order to find out with which you can have the easiest orgasm. Don’t aim at having the best orgasm possible, this will only put you under pressure and diminish the intensity of your lust and orgasm as a result. Keep in mind the basic principle of engineering instead: First make it work, then make it work better.

It is important to know that male desire comes in an unbroken exponential curve, while female desire moves in waves becoming larger over time. If something feels rather lukewarm for a few seconds, don’t worry – the next wave of desire is, in all probability, already on its way. If, however, something feels lukewarm for longer than half of a minute and doesn’t become better, ask your guy for a break. Depending on how you feel, you can try the following solutions:

  • Slightly shift your position.
  • Use or add more lubricant.
  • Suggest to change speed.
  • Suggest to change depth.
  • Or change into another position.

A gentleman will be considerate and take his time with your wishes and your experimentation, perhaps attempt to help with careful proposals. If a sex encounter or a new variant did not work out as you imagined do try it again – possibly with altered conditions, which might make it work better this time (more time, another place, with the help of sex toys or lubricant etc.). Men, due to their conditioned role “man”, can easily come to the conclusion that they must always perfectly “man up” with a woman, even if they are with a woman like you to whom that does not apply. By unmistakably asking for a next time he knows that you still find him attractive, and you both have the chance for a further attempt, which you can enjoy without stress.

At first sight, a sexually inexperienced man who wants to make you enjoy yourself, but simply does not know how yet, is difficult to tell apart from an intentionally ignorant man, who doesn’t care about your sexual pleasure and who is only out for his own satisfaction. The application of all of these measures makes it possible for you to recognize doubtlessly which of these two types you have encountered. For this reason, it is a very bad idea to pretend to have signals of lust or to fake an orgasm. With an inexperienced man this is an ineffective strategy: He will then remember how he “got you off”, which, in reality, was no fun at all, and will repeat exactly these techniques the next time you have sex. And with an intentionally ignorant man it is as if you praised a dog for shitting on the carpet: He will think that his lack of interest is sufficient and might behave even more inconsiderate next time.

You have encountered an intentionally ignorant man, if he:

  • Does not react to your feedback.
  • Agrees, but then continues without changes.
  • If he tries to persuade you to already discussed unwanted contact or varieties: “Don’t be so complicated …”
  • If he just continues unwanted contact or varieties although you have already stated on multiple occasions that they are not pleasant for you.

Should he bring one of these reactions along, best stop the sex and demand fair play. If he is just insecure, and asks what this is about, explain to him clearly and without offending him, what you wish him to do. Should he, however, show no willingness to learn and prattles instead, get up and out, even if he is your boyfriend or husband. Better an open conflict, after, when he has really listened, you might have better sex than lifelong bad sex.

Small medical excursion

If you feel pain during sex (for example, itching, burning or stinging), this is a clear indication of your body that you have an infection in or on your genitals. Let a doctor look into it. If your doctor states after the first check-up that your problem would be “psychological”, change the doctor! “Psychological” is specialist speech for “I have no idea what causes the problem, but I cannot admit that”. Pain during sex actually can have psychological causes, like subconscious fears or past traumatic experiences, these can, however, only be recognized beyond reasonable doubt if all physical causes have either been eliminated or were successfully treated.

No doctor can correctly diagnose a genital infection or even psychosomatic problem on first guess! A professional doctor assumes several different illnesses, and tells you to go to other institutes (a specialised laboratory, other doctors) for further tests before settling on a diagnosis. They will also suggest different drugs to treat the condition, including alternative medicine. A little-known but not rare gynaecological problem, by the way, is vulvodynia, pain either in the vagina and/or outside at the entrance of the vagina without a current infection. Vulvodynia can occur as a consequence of repeated past infections with bacteria or fungi, or as a symptom of a current infection with HPV.

How does a healthy romantic relationship work? – Part 1/3: Level 6 on the intimacy scale

The amount of intimacy which is exchanged amongst each other in romantic relationships is the maximum intimacy known to mankind. This fact can be shown in numerous sagas, legends, songs or other forms of narration in all past and present societies. In Eurocentric/Western society, this can be found in popular culture in songs, movies, television series and advertisement.

Marriage ritual words such as “in good times and in bad times, until death do us part” depict the longing after (a) fulfilled romantic relationship(s) without an expiration date. The key element is sharing each others’ lives which enables the possibility of reaching the greatest amount of intimacy as well as the most personal advancement.

Mutual participation in each other’s life decisions thereby has to be a fundamental right of all individuals involved in a romantic relationship. Because in order to mutual participation in each other’s life decisions thereby has to be a fundamental right of all individuals involved in a romantic relationship. Because in order to spend each other’s life together, all aspects must be negotiable with applied consent and respect. Agreements must be reached by means of discussion, until all individuals involved are content. If any person wishes changes, an adjustment of the agreement is necessary, again under participation of all individuals involved where everyone has to apply consent and respect. This especially concerns life decisions, thus decisions, which have an impact on the entire further life. These are the following:

  • The mutual sex life as a couple
  • The sexual openness of the relationship (= whether or how the individuals involved have sex with other people)
  • The place of residence
  • Whether having a pet or raising a child is desired, and if yes, how many of them
  • The romantic openness of the relationship (= whether and how the individuals involved want to live a polyamorous lifestyle)

People, with whom I share an intimacy level other than Level 6, do not have a right of participation in my life decisions: If I were to change my place of residence in such a way that fewer communication is possible, good friends will most certainly be sad about that. However, their participation in my decision to move is neither a necessity nor a responsibility for both sides. On the contrary, if one of your friends wishes to veto your decision, they most certainly suck as a friend concerning other issues, too, since they don’t understand how a true friendship (Level 5) works.

A romantic relationship in the sense of Level 6 does have a right of participation in my life decisions: If I wish our romantic level to become or stay stable, I have to negotiate about my wish to move and reach an agreement which all individuals involved are content with:

  • My romantic relationship moves together with me
  • I do not change my place of residence after all
  • The distance between my new place of residence and the place of residence of my romantic relationship(s) is accepted by all individuals involved

How does a healthy romantic relationship work? – Part 3/3: How can I determine if we are stable as a couple?

A stable romantic level (= Level 6) always contains the sexual level (= Level 3). Only truly asexual people, who don’t feel sexually attracted to any kind of human sexuality would be an exception to this principle.

If two or more people are carrying out romantic activities (kissing, smooching, cuddling) as well as sex, an unstable intermediate level is the case: Level 3 on its own would be stable, however, Level 6 remains incomplete.

Intimacy Scale
Relationship to each other Mutual interest Mutual activities
6
(3, 4 and 5 must be included
in order to achieve stability)
Romantic relationship Sharing each other’s life
to the greatest extent,
co-determining life decisions
Kissing, smooching,
long embraces / hugs,
sleeping together, cuddling
5
(inclusion of 3 and / or 4 is optional)
Friendship Thoughts and feelings Deep talks or entertainment,
looking into emotional issues
4
(inclusion of 3 is optional)
Acquaintance Interesting topics,
a hobby or project
Advancement of a mutual topic,
a hobby, or project,
self experience in a group
3
(excludes 1 and 2)
Fuckbuddy Casual sex Sensuous eroticism,
enjoying lust, fucking

If the people involved decide to start a romantic relationship with each other, this decision leads to more stability. However, the unstable intermediate level continues further:

Intimacy Scale
Relationship to each other Mutual interest Mutual activities
6
(3, 4 and 5 must be included
in order to achieve stability)
Romantic relationship Sharing each other’s life
to the greatest extent,
co-determining life decisions
Kissing, smooching,
long embraces / hugs,
sleeping together, cuddling
5
(inclusion of 3 and / or 4 is optional)
Friendship Thoughts and feelings Deep talks or entertainment,
looking into emotional issues
4
(inclusion of 3 is optional)
Acquaintance Interesting topics,
a hobby or project
Advancement of a mutual topic,
a hobby, or project,
self experience in a group
3
(excludes 1 and 2)
Fuckbuddy Casual sex Sensuous eroticism,
enjoying lust, fucking

If the mutual commitment intensifies further and the people involved decide to be the life partner for each other as a consequence, the following change towards a stable Level 6 is also visible on the intimacy scale:

Intimacy Scale
Relationship to each other Mutual interest Mutual activities
6
(3, 4 and 5 must be included
in order to achieve stability)
Romantic relationship Sharing each other’s life
to the greatest extent,
co-determining life decisions
Kissing, smooching,
long embraces / hugs,
sleeping together, cuddling
5
(inclusion of 3 and / or 4 is optional)
Friendship Thoughts and feelings Deep talks or entertainment,
looking into emotional issues
4
(inclusion of 3 is optional)
Acquaintance Interesting topics,
a hobby or project
Advancement of a mutual topic,
a hobby, or project,
self experience in a group
3
(excludes 1 and 2)
Fuckbuddy Casual sex Sensuous eroticism,
enjoying lust, fucking

In order to share our lives with one another authentically, a romantic relationship must also contain a stable Level 4 (acquaintance, a mutual hobby/project) and a stable Level 5 (friendship, emotional interest for each other). If one of these levels is not active or already stable at the beginning of a romantic relationship, one of these two situations is the case:

  • There has been a mix-up of the sexual and the romantic level caused by patriarchal lies which are probably unconscious to all individuals involved. In reality, at least one person involved only wished for casual sex in the sense of Level 3 and developed a secondarily motivated crush in order to get sex. A mutual Level 4 or Level 5 is optional in the most favorable case, but despised in the most unfavorable case.
  • The people involved actually desire a romantic relationship with each other, however, they have to discover how to realise these levels together step by step. This necessary process of each serious romantic relationship is known by the term relationship work, or as I call it, fighting out one’s relationship.

Depending on how well the people involved have experienced (by parents) or learnt (by oneself) constructive arguing during the course of their lives, the relationship work can look different: In the best case, there are simply many constructive discussions, which consume energy, but still leave some quality time for relaxing and mutual activities. In the worst case, there is destructive arguing, which leaves all persons in the romantic relationship effete and can only be resolved through competent couple therapy or an individual psychotherapy of especially one or even all persons involved.

In order to generate such destructive arguing, it is not necessary to express a conflict openly. If one or all persons involved usually suppress conflicts, instead of indicating the conflict, a destructive, energy-consuming condition is the result. If a stable Level 4 or Level 5 is not the case (yet), that is presented on the intimacy scale like this:

Intimacy Scale
Relationship to each other Mutual interest Mutual activities
6
(3, 4 and 5 must be included
in order to achieve stability)
Romantic relationship Sharing each other’s life
to the greatest extent,
co-determining life decisions
Kissing, smooching,
long embraces / hugs,
sleeping together, cuddling
5
(inclusion of 3 and / or 4 is optional)
Friendship Thoughts and feelings Deep talks or entertainment,
looking into emotional issues
4
(inclusion of 3 is optional)
Acquaintance Interesting topics,
a hobby or project
Advancement of a mutual topic,
a hobby, or project,
self experience in a group
3
(excludes 1 and 2)
Fuckbuddy Casual sex Sensuous eroticism,
enjoying lust, fucking

Level 5, green areas: The mutual interest into each other’s thoughts and feelings is present, however, communication is destructive in such a manner, that the necessary activities (talking, actively sharing each other’s feelings) do not take place.

Level 4, green areas: The activities to establish a mutual hobby/project are carried out together, however, one person wishes for a different concept or priority of the hobby/project than the other, which is either indicated to the other person insufficiently or is ignored by him/her. Therefore, the mutual interest into the hobby/project is frustrated and no longer active.

The tables given above assume that the sexuality of the romantic relationship is mostly satisfying. Romantic relationships, whose sexuality is mostly unsatisfying because of patriarchal lies and/or destructive communication patterns are unfortunately in the majority. The intimacy scale reflects this as follows:

Intimacy Scale
Relationship to each other Mutual interest Mutual activities
6
(3, 4 and 5 must be included
in order to achieve stability)
Romantic relationship Sharing each other’s life
to the greatest extent,
co-determining life decisions
Kissing, smooching,
long embraces / hugs,
sleeping together, cuddling
5
(inclusion of 3 and / or 4 is optional)
Friendship Thoughts and feelings Deep talks or entertainment,
looking into emotional issues
4
(inclusion of 3 is optional)
Acquaintance Interesting topics,
a hobby or project
Advancement of a mutual topic,
a hobby, or project,
self experience in a group
3
(excludes 1 and 2)
Fuckbuddy Casual sex Sensuous eroticism,
enjoying lust, fucking

Level 5, green areas: There is some exchange of each other’s thoughts and feelings, but much too rarely and often secondarily motivated:”If I listen to you, it’s in order to get sexual favours or personal attention and not because I really care about your thoughts and feelings.” This secondary motivation shows that the emotional interest pertaining to Level 5 is either too little or not at all present.

Level 4, green areas: The interest in a mutual hobby/project is present on both sides, however, nobody takes enough time in order to realise it sufficiently. Therefore, activities pertaining to Level 4 do not take place.

Level 3, green areas: There is a conflict over how to realise the sexual level: One would like to try out new sexual fantasies, the other one only wishes to have sex in one or two fixed patterns. Thus, the mutual interest in having sex is frustrated and is less satisfactory than at the beginning of the romantic relationship. As a result, all persons involved pursue it more rarely.

The following variant is just as possible and assumes that a stable platonic friendship (= without sex) was present before the beginning of a romantic relationship:

Intimacy Scale
Relationship to each other Mutual interest Mutual activities
6
(3, 4 and 5 must be included
in order to achieve stability)
Romantic relationship Sharing each other’s life
to the greatest extent,
co-determining life decisions
Kissing, smooching,
long embraces / hugs,
sleeping together, cuddling
5
(inclusion of 3 and / or 4 is optional)
Friendship Thoughts and feelings Deep talks or entertainment,
looking into emotional issues
4
(inclusion of 3 is optional)
Acquaintance Interesting topics,
a hobby or project
Advancement of a mutual topic,
a hobby, or project,
self experience in a group
3
(excludes 1 and 2)
Fuckbuddy Casual sex Sensuous eroticism,
enjoying lust, fucking

A healthy interest in and a way to share each other’s thoughts and feelings is already the case, while the mutual sexuality and a mutual hobby/project is yet to be discovered and established as a stable level. The couple in this example has better chances than in the upper one to establish the missing stable levels: Because if the possibility for constructive discussions on each other’s thoughts and feelings is present, the topics simply need to be extended to an exchange on the mutual sexuality and on a mutual hobby/project.

The relationship work of the other couple is however unstable on all necessary levels at once. There is failed motivation as well as destructive communication: The persons involved therefore have to learn communication within the relationship from scratch, which is more difficult than building a romantic relationship with the tools of a pre-existing friendship. The issues and one’s wishes must be discussed and the conflicts must be worked out together. The key strategy thereby is”harmony through conflict” – which means that harmonic stability can only be achieved by doing the relationship work first.

If satisfactory solutions for all persons involved lead to a stable Level 3 (sexual activities), Level 4 (acquaintance), Level 5 (friendship) and Level 6 (romantic intimacy) with the romantic relationship(s) in place, a holistically functioning, stable romantic level has been established:

Intimacy Scale
Relationship to each other Mutual interest Mutual activities
6
(3, 4 and 5 must be included
in order to achieve stability)
Romantic relationship Sharing each other’s life
to the greatest extent,
co-determining life decisions
Kissing, smooching,
long embraces / hugs,
sleeping together, cuddling
5
(inclusion of 3 and / or 4 is optional)
Friendship Thoughts and feelings Deep talks or entertainment,
looking into emotional issues
4
(inclusion of 3 is optional)
Acquaintance Interesting topics,
a hobby or project
Advancement of a mutual topic,
a hobby, or project,
self experience in a group
3
(excludes 1 and 2)
Fuckbuddy Casual sex Sensuous eroticism,
enjoying lust, fucking

How does a sexually open relationship work? – part 1/4: Basics

The starting situation:
You are in a monogamous (= sexually closed) romantic relationship. Both of you have never talked about whether you actually want to live sexually closed – it’s just the template which has been presented to you by your parents and most people around you since you were a child.

But then there are these fantasies which slip into your mind when you are masturbating or daydreaming out of boredom.

Being a woman in a straight romantic relationship:
You think one of your mutual male friends is hot and really sexy. Sometimes you would like to know how his dick looks like or how he would make you feel in a sexual situation.
Or you would like to try out another dick once in a while, simply for the excitement of something new. Or you think the new female friend of an acquaintance is quite hot.
Usually, you are not attracted to women, but she has pretty tits, and you wonder how they would look naked and how it would feel for you if you touched them with your hands.
Or you would like to try out sex with a woman just to know how it feels and if you are into it like in your fantasies.

Being a man in a straight romantic relationship:
You think a woman from your circle of acquaintances is hot and really sexy. Sometimes you would like to know, what she looks like naked or how her pussy would feel around your dick if you fucked her. Or you would like to try out another pussy once in a while, simply for the excitement of something new. Or you have masturbated together with some friends when you were in puberty. Women to have sex with were rare at the time, but masturbating with the guys felt weirdly good. How would you feel now if you did it again, but together with a woman this time? Or you would like to try sex with a man, just to know how it feels and if you are into it like in your fantasies.

Being a woman in a lesbian romantic relationship:
You think one of your mutual female friends is hot and really sexy. Sometimes you would like to know, what her pussy looks like or how she would make you feel in a sexual situation.
Or you would like to try out another pussy once in a while, simply for the excitement of something new. Or you think the new male friend of an acquaintance is quite hot.
Usually, you are not attracted to men, but he has a really aesthetic body, and you wonder what he would feel like as a biological dildo. Or you would like to try out sex with a man, just to know how it feels and if you are into it like in your fantasies.

Being a man in a gay romantic relationship:
You think a guy from your circle of acquaintances is hot and really sexy. Sometimes you would like to know how his dick looks like or how it would feel if you fucked him or got fucked by him. Or you would like to try out another dick once in a while, simply for the excitement of something new. Or you think the new female friend of an acquaintance is quite hot.
Usually, you are not attracted to women, but she has pretty tits, and you wonder how they look naked and how it would feel for you if you touched them with your hands.
Or you would like to try out sex with a woman, just to know how it feels and if you are into it like in your fantasies.

Whether you have straight, homosexual or bisexual fantasies or all of them at once, they have one thing in common: With relationship work and solution-oriented communication, all these sexual fantasies can be pursued in real life within a committed, loving and stable romantic relationship, without secrecy or “cheating”. This is a well-supported fact – regardless of what your friends, your acquaintances, your community, your parents or your relatives will think or might have to say about it. Their opinions matter not if they have no experience in this area (which they will – most probably – not have).

As a conclusion: You wish to pursue erotic experiences and casual sex with other people than your romantic partner. This pursuit is called swinging. Therefore swingers are people who wish to live the same fantasies as you – the pursuit of a sexual level inside AND outside of their existing romantic relationship(s).

But how do we do this as a couple?

  • Take some time for each other to talk about your relationship.
  • Describe your sexual fantasies to your partner.
  • Pay attention to the reactions of your partner.
  • Name the feelings you have when your partner tells you about his/her sexual fantasies.
  • If there are feelings like fear or confusion, talk about them too and look at possible causes.
  • Fantasize about erotic scenarios together.
  • Tell them to each other while actually having sex and use them to spice up your sex life.

At this point, the internalised unconscious patriarchal constructs of society play an important part: A popular beginner’s mistake is to mix-up romantic activities (kissing, smooching, cuddling, caressing) pertaining to the romantic level (= intimacy scale Level 6) and sexual activities pertaining to the sexual level (= intimacy scale Level 3).

In order to avoid emotional turbulences, only carry out romantic activities between you, the romantic relationship partners. With other swingers, only exchange activities pertaining to the sexual level. If you come across other swingers who exchange romantic activities, they will usually be couples or polycules who also only do this amongst themselves – just like you.

“But then, casual sex sounds totally robotic and kind of cold – so swinging is about only touching other people at their genitals?!”

Well – no. A satisfying sexual level with someone else does (hopefully!) include more than genital stimulation by a person who is mostly acting like a robot. If you have come across a story of such a sexual situation or if you have actually experienced one, it was simply bad sex with a supposedly dumb or very inexperienced and insecure sexual partner.

With other swingers, you can enjoy giving and receiving sensuously erotic massages, opening up tense muscles on your whole body, petting, lustful touching,getting touched, dirty talk, exhibitionistic and voyeuristic situations and perhaps even some spanking. And we have not yet listed mutual masturbation, hand jobs, fingering, oral sex, fucking, sex toys, vibrators, etc. – and all of this in a group with another couple or several other people…

Admit it – you got aroused just by reading this description, right? 😉

“I can’t imagine having sex without kissing, really. Isn’t something missing somehow then?”

That is a typical example of patriarchal constructs hidden at the root of society. You believe – consciously or subconsciously – in the patriarchal construct called monogamy, the patriarchal construct called polyamory (which is a close-to-home modification of the construct called monogamy), or the patriarchal construct of the social role “woman” in general.

This is not your fault – these concepts have been displayed and taught to you by nearly every person around you since you were an infant. However, it’s now your responsibility to recognise and to deconstruct these concepts and to replace them with YOUR authentic and working concepts – as long as you really wish to pursue a sexually open relationship instead of being content with your sexually closed romantic relationship.

Keep in mind: Having casual sex is a natural and completely justified wish of every person, be it women, men or non-binary genders. You don’t need to have a crush or fall in love, love, cuddle or kiss a sexual partner, in order to enjoy any sexual experience with a new, strange person. Choose persons who you are comfortable with, to whom the principle of consent is natural and who treat you with respect. Allow yourself to enter a sexual level without romantic activities with him/her/them, just as it is depicted in the text above. You will experience that sex doesn’t need to be accompanied by any romantic activities in order to feel emotionally pleasant, lustful and satisfying.

“We are a couple and we think your recommendation to avoid romantic activities is bullshit. We would like to kiss and/or cuddle at least some of the nice people who we have sex with – not just each other.”

Sure, it is your choice whether you will pursue this recommendation. Obviously, this text can’t prevent you from doing whatever you wish to do. However, don’t be surprised by some follow-up effects: Romantic activities like kissing, smooching, cuddling or caressing will invariably activate subconscious longing for a mutually shared romantic level, for either one or most likely all persons involved.

Therefore, if you exchange romantic activities with other people than your romantic partner, your relationship will soon be suffering from strange feelings of insecurity and jealousy which you won’t be able to talk about in a reasonable way. If you exchange romantic activities while regularly having sex with acquaintances or friends, don’t be surprised if one of you develops a crush on one of them.

Keep in mind: The confusion of activities pertaining to the sexual level and the ones pertaining to the romantic level are the MAIN REASON why sexually open relationships fail or revert back to a sexually closed status – because they didn’t work as intended.

“We are a couple and are having discussions about our sexual fantasies. Why are there – all of a sudden – uncomfortable feelings and most of the time, we end up in an argument?”

If one’s romantic partner wishes to have sex with someone else, fear due to expected personal failure or to lose ones’ romantic partner can easily come up. That’s why it is so important to look for the causes which can often be found in the patriarchal constructs of society.

The patriarchal constructs called monogamy and polyamory both contain the same two lies:

  1. Desires and wishes at the sexual level and the romantic level are the same thing.
  2. If someone is sexually attracted to another person, a desire for intimacy at the romantic level will always be a part of this attraction.

Moreover, the patriarchal construct called monogamy adds the following lie:

As long as the romantic relationship is healthy for both persons involved, it is not possible to desire another person sexually.

All these statements are lies within a bigger patriarchal construct and thus completely false.

Therefore, if one’s romantic partner desires casual sex with someone else, it is NOT a guarantied outcome that:

  • he/she has a crush on or has fallen in love with someone else
  • he/she does not love you any more
  • he/she is no longer sexually interested in you

Nevertheless, and as a reason at the same time, you have to talk with each other about possible negative effects or feelings and your fears.

Because if your mutual sex life, your emotional intimacy or your romantic intimacy is not enough or even missing in your romantic relationship(s), the pursuit of a sexually open relationship is rather an escape from the conflicts than a solution for both of you. It will most probably even accelerate a separation which has already been an hidden issue under the carpet.

So, before pursuing your sexual fantasies in real life, talk with each other about what you can do to improve the sex life between just the two of you.

At the sexual level (intimacy scale Level 3):
Is there a particular sexual fantasy which you would like to try, but until now, you didn’t have the guts to tell your romantic partner?

Are there some behavioural patterns of your romantic partner that regularly annoy you during sex?
(Typical for straight sex: If the woman signals “I like what you’re doing right now” verbally (“Yes!”, “Right there”, “Keep going”) or non-verbally (moaning, pleasure noises), the man suddenly changes his moves or rhythm and puts the woman off from her momentarily good feelings)

If a woman tells or signals you signs of pleasure as a momentous reaction, she literally means that! Dear male sexual partner, so just don’t fucking change anything in your movement or rhythm as a reaction!)

At Level 4 and 5:

  • Has your mutual lifestyle gotten boring lately?
  • Does your lifestyle mostly consist of everyday chores and you are missing quality time?
  • Would you like to pursue a mutual interest or a mutual hobby/project as a couple?
  • Would you like to get to know your romantic partner better and talk more about each other’s thoughts and feelings?

At Level 6:
Do you wish for more romantic quality time with one another, caresses, cuddling, positive feedback, and/or affectionate attention?

If there is an issue on either one or all of these levels, you need to talk about what is missing and do some relationship work in order to integrate the missing aspects into your romantic relationship.

If you are totally stuck and don’t know how to step out of mutual reproach any more, consider relationship coaching or marriage consultation. A few meetings can solve issues that previously seemed without prospect any more.

However, it would be a very bad idea to avoid psychological consultation until the culmination point “Either consultation or we will separate”. Romantic relationships at this point are usually so wrecked that even very experienced marriage consulters will only be able to guide you through a separation process with the smallest amount of mutual emotional damage possible.

If you don’t have any issues at the intimacy Levels 3, 4, 5 and 6 or if you have successfully challenged a pre-existing issue together, you can start inviting other people into your sex life and pursuing your sexual fantasies in real life.

How does a sexually open relationship work? – Part 2/4: Monogamy is no solution!

I advocate for the disposal of the terms monogamy and being monogamous. Instead, I replace them with newly engineered, functioning definitions in order to describe whether individuals within a romantic relationship pursue sexual and/or romantic wishes towards other people.

In Sex and Love: The big difference, I have already explained how to separate sexual desires and activities from romantic (also: amorous) wishes and activities.

As a consequence, I suggest the following new nomenclature for any romantic relationship:

At the sexual level: sexually closed or sexually open
At the romantic level: romantically closed or romantically open

Since a (stable) romantic relationship is always about the romantic level as well as the sexual level, four possible combinations result out of these four terms:

  1. Romantically closed and sexually closed
  2. Romantically closed and sexually open
  3. Romantically open and sexually open
  4. Romantically open and sexually closed

 

  1. Romantically closed and sexually closed (to replace monogamous in its most frequent meaning):

Individuals within a romantic relationship carry out sensual and romantic activities only among themselves. Also, they are the only sexual partners to each other at the same time.

If the patriarchal construct of monogamy is not active (!), and both/all individuals really don’t desire sexual activities with other individuals, temporarily or in principle, this condition will be stable.

If, however, the patriarchal construct of monogamy is active, the condition will be unstable.

  1. Romantically closed and sexually open:

Individuals within a romantic relationship carry out sensual and romantic activities only among themselves. However, they also pursue sexual activities pertained to the sexual level with other suitable individuals (= swinging). As it stands, this condition will be stable.

The next two conditions occur in romantically open romantic relationships. Here are a few facts about them:

Romantically open means that people in a once romantically closed romantic relationship are interested in adding one/several further romantic relationships to their mutual life in order to establish a polyamorous lifestyle. To achieve this goal, they carry out romantic activities with one or several suitable individual(s).

This condition is unstable from the beginning: Since further people are welcome at the romantic level in principle, there is a constant risk that the mutual intimacy (which needs resources such as time and personal energy) within the pre-existing couple or pre-existing polycule will be diminished.

If the individuals are successful in establishing polyamory, the condition must be changed to romantically closed again, in order to keep the newly founded polycule stable. If the pre-existing couple doesn’t meet a suitable individual and decides to return to a romantically closed form, a stable condition can rise up once again, too.

  1. Romantically open and sexually open:

Individuals within a romantic relationship carry out sensual and romantic activities among themselves and also with one or several other individual(s) (= dating). In addition, sexual activities without romantic activities are also pursued with other suitable individuals (= swinging). Due to the condition romantically open, this condition will be unstable.

  1. Romantically open and sexually closed:

Individuals within a romantic relationship carry out sensual and romantic activities among themselves and also with one or several other individual(s) (= dating). Sexual activities without romantic activities (= swinging) don’t take place. Due to the condition romantically open, this condition will be unstable

The combination of romantically open and sexually closed is perfect soil for the patriarchal construct of polyamory: The valve at the sexual level is turned off, the valve at the romantic level however is wide open. Thus the suppressed forces of the sexual level can flow through a secondarily motivated romantic level far more easily than in the patriarchal mainstream. The consequence is the dynamics of serial monogamy, which now appears as serial-parallel crushes. This behaviour makes no sense at all since it fuels unhealthy dynamics which lead to chronically unstable romantic relationships on a short-term, separations on a medium-term, and mental health problems on a long-term basis.

If a romantic relationship is planned to be romantically open, I recommend out of my personal experience to establish it along with sexually open. By doing so, secondarily motivated crushes in order to have sex with specific individuals can be avoided which enables the individuals to manoeuver through the complex processes and conflicts of a romantically open condition with as little interference as possible.

How does a sexually open relationship work? – part 3/4: Real Life

You have talked a lot about your sexual fantasies, interests other than sex that make you special as a couple, your desires as well as your fears. You have told your sexual fantasies to each other while having sex and in doing so, you both were able to spice up your sex life as a couple. Now you would like to pursue your sexual fantasies not only in the form of stories, but also in real life:

Look for “swinging” on the internet
Read evaluations of different swinger clubs on independent websites
Look for “code of conduct”, “recommended behaviour” or the like on websites of swinger clubs and locations with erotic events. If a location’s website does not offer such guidelines, don’t go there, no matter how exciting the listed events seem to be. These locations can be confusing, for beginners in particular, and navigating your interests will be hard to achieve. Even experienced swingers tend to avoid these locations.

Visit a swinger club with good evaluations together, and watch how the people there interact with one another. Talk to the people or couples present who seem to be nice people at first impression.

The basic rules are the following:

Everything can happen, but nothing is bound to happen!
No means No!
Perhaps also means No! (for now – but you can ask me a second time later)

Connect with experienced swingers, and if they are really nice, ask them for advice how to communicate and navigate in a swinger space.

Unfortunately, even in swinger clubs you can come across unpleasant, rude or even sexually offensive people (mostly men) who act in the way of rape culture. If you have been the target of offensive behaviour or if you have witnessed a possible offence, tell the club’s personnel at once, since they are responsible to remove offenders from the club immediately! If the personnel does not respond or is unable to cope, leave the club and put your (negative) evaluation of this particular club on the internet.

If you have found attractive people – in a club or on a swinger website on the internet – first check with each other if this couple/these people are really ok for both of you. Then meet at a swingers club for a drink and talk about your sexual wishes openly.

Beginners or inexperienced swingers tend to talk a lot about their working life or other unrelated topics before they mention their sexual wishes. This is an indication for nervousness and the patriarchal imprint that a merely sexual impulse without any “higher” attraction would be demeaning towards all persons involved.

This is a part of the patriarchal construct about the social role “woman”, as well as all patriarchal constructs derived from it (patriarchal monogamy and polyamory). Therefore, this belief is bullshit.

Stay friendly and directly suggest desired sexual situations to the other person(s). Most of them who are too nervous to address their desires directly are relieved if somebody else breaks the ice.

Examples:

  • “I would really like it, if you …”
  • “Can I touch your breasts?”
  • “I would like to give you a handjob.”
  • “Would you like to fuck me?”

When the other person(s) are not able to give you a straight answer, but seem to be choked, pissed or socially awkward despite the fact that you were friendly and polite, they are probably in conflict with themselves or as a couple.
If they respond with no, that means no.
In both cases the same reaction is valid: Say good bye politely and seek other attractive people for your casual sex wishes.

As soon as consent has been verbally covered, just as much can happen via nonverbal communication: Someone starts to touch you at the thigh and if you show a positive response, goes on to your genitals. If you show a rejecting reaction, he/she stops and suggests something else or leaves.

So it is finally happening:

You have found suitable persons, who, in principle, share your sexual fantasies. You have occupied a comfortable place in the swinger club.
Now it is essential to clearly communicate individual wishes and boundaries before and during sexual activities:

  • “I would like the following: …”
  • “I would like to do … with you”
  • “This doesn’t feel good at the moment, can we do … instead?”

These recommendations concern the sexual level (= intimacy scale’s Level 3). As already described further above, romantic activities (kissing, smooching, cuddling, caressing) should only take place in this setting between you as romantic partners, NOT between one of you and a casual sex partner.

If, during a sexual situation, negative feelings arise between you as a couple, rather stop the sexual activity instead of ignoring your feelings – since this does never work.

Signalize participating persons that you need some time to talk as a couple. Sit in a corner or go outside where you can talk with one another without getting interrupted or overheard.

Look at the situation and inside you and seach for what has triggered the negative feelings or if something is not ok about the situation in general. Sometimes, one romantic partner just needs to be reassured of the other’s love and romantic feelings by kissing, a long hug or some affectionate words before you can go back into the sexual situation. Sometimes, however, a deeper issue has come to the surface, which cannot be solved by the means of a short discussion. In this case, leaving the club is a better idea. Discuss the issue with each other as soon as you have taken some time for relationship work.

How does a sexually open relationship work? – part 4/4: Typical problems in straight romantic relationships

As you will find out, just sharing sexual fantasies can have different consequences than actually pursuing them in real life. Some of these discoveries can come really unexpected when experienced for the first time. In a straight relationship, the following issue is quite common:

The woman has heterosexual fantasies with other men:
For example, she fantasizes about giving her boyfriend/husband and one of his male friends hand jobs at the same time or she desires to get fucked by both or more men in a row (gangbang). While erotic stories about it were still ok to her boyfriend/husband (or he secretly didn’t take them seriously), all of a sudden these are a big emotional issue for him in real life:

The fact that “his” girlfriend/wife has fun with another cock is suddenly “weird”, “too much to cope” or “a total turn-down”.

At the same time, he thinks that a threesome with another woman and his girlfriend/wife is a much desired scenario to pursue in real life – but only if any kind of sex with another man is out of the question. This attitude is called Cockblocking.

Cockblocking sounds familiar because of your personal experiences or stories from other people you have come across?
Here is an open letter in the name of all women, who have encountered a man with this attitude once or for whom it is still an issue with their current male romantic partner:

Dear boyfriend/husband!
You would like to have a threesome together with another woman, but you have a problem if your girlfriend/wife desires to have sex with another man?

Sure, your ideal conception is that your girlfriend/wife is open-minded to anything sexual, super interested in new sexual experiences and gets turned on easily. However, she should only ever be this active when your cock is concerned, not towards other men or other cocks. Ideally, she shouldn’t even notice them and react as if they were an extremely boring topic to her.

That’s exactly your opinion? Then let me give you some sex education:

The sexual level, thus sexuality as such, works in the following way:
If sexual fantasies can be pursued in a romantic relationship AS WELL AS casually, one’s sexual level is unlocked: Then your girlfriend/wife can just enjoy her desires and her pleasure fulfilling them. As a consequence, your girlfriend/wife is open-minded to anything sexual, super interested in new sexual experiences and gets turned on easily.

If you force or coerce your girlfriend/wife into always denying herself an important part of her sex life (= casual sex involving other cocks) in a way as if this part didn’t exist at all, her pleasure when having sex with you will go down the drain as well. As a consequence, your girlfriend/wife will disapprove of any kind of new sexual fantasies you would like to pursue with her. Over time, she will consider sex with you “boring”, “not worth it” or “annoying”. She will only participate if you offer her special gifts or if your constant need for sex gets too annoying for her than actually doing it with you. If this dynamic continues, she will develop a lot of (eventually subconscious) anger towards you: You are treating her like a sex toy after all, which you can put back into the drawer after use – not like another human being with equal rights (and desires!).

Now there are 4 possibilities how your girlfriend/wife can respond to your attitude:

  1. A self-confident woman will argue with you and confront you on the issue. If you are ready to reconsider your attitude and to accept equal rights in the matter, you can start to pursue a sexually open romantic relationship which is committed, loving and stable, while having really good sex at the same time.
  2. If you are not willing to reconsider your attitude she will end the romantic relationship after some time in order to seek a male romantic partner who will take her and her sexual desires seriously.
  3. A less self-confident woman (who is a coward as a consequence) will satisfy her sexual desires behind your back and will cheat on you.
  4. And a woman whose self-confidence has been injured or completely taken away in the past will do as you tell her, but – as a result – will suppress her own sexual desire until she is not really interested in having sex with you any more. Additionally, she will start dreadful arguments and quarrels with you over little things, as her (subconscious) anger towards you accumulates inside her and will spontaneously unleash on a regular basis (“being married to a dragon”).

I am a man and my girlfriend/wife is acting like point 3 or 4?

Look inside yourself and try to discover the real reason why you can’t stand that your girlfriend/wife would like to have sex with other cocks than your own as well. In the following text, there are some possible fears along with a recommendation how to solve them. Pick out the one which seems right for you.

Are you worried that your girlfriend/wife will leave you, should she find a sex partner more capable in bed than you?

The patriarchal construct of the social role “man” suppresses everything except sex in a romantic relationship: You have a girlfriend/wife in order to have regular sex, instead of being an unsatisfied single. But here is the thing: You are still having sexual fantasies about a threesome or sex with another woman, right? Meaning, you are aware of the fact that you can share the sexual level with other persons than your romantic partner. Thus, your romantic partner is nothing special then, is she?
Oh, but she IS special to you?

That’s because the romantic level which you suppress when you are in the patriarchal social role “man”, actually defines your romantic relationship. If you have an intact and stable romantic level as a couple, your girlfriend/wife will not leave you if she comes across a casual sex partner who has a special feature in bed. In fact, she is sharing a level and feelings with you which only you can offer her – and not some random man to whom a body she enjoys having sex with belongs to.

However, if you don’t share a stable romantic level with each other (any more), seeking a sexually open relationship is dangerous. If this is the case, both of you have to (re-)establish a stable mutual romantic level, in difficult cases by means of couple therapy or marriage consultation. Since a stable and working romantic level is the absolutely necessary fundament of a sexually open romantic relationship.

Did your parents/your relatives/your community/your friends/other people who you are close to tell you that you are not “man enough”, if your girlfriend/wife desires having sex with other men than you?

If some of these people have put up rules for you on how to live your life and especially your sex life, there is only one solution: Screw them!

Only your romantic partner has the right to co-determine your sex life. All other persons you have sex with do also have a say but only as far as the principle of consent and respect is concerned. If any persons supposedly close to you don’t care if you are unhappy as long as you keep to their rules, instead of encouraging you in your pursuit of happiness, these people are best kicked out of your life immediately. If this is not possible due to dependence (support with children, etc.), give them only information which they can’t use against you when asked. If they drop remarks or unwanted questions about your sex life, tell them loud and clear that they have overstepped your boundaries and don’t give a fuck whether somebody is “insulted” by such clarifying behaviour. They are in no way entitled to ignore your boundaries or to complain about your behaviour if you defend them.

Did you try a sexually open romantic relationship once before and your ex did leave you as a result?

Experiences with former romantic relationships will always influence your current romantic relationship. Keep in mind, however, that your ex is another person than your current girlfriend/wife. Ask her about her wishes and feelings instead of assuming that she will have the same wishes and treat you exactly like your ex.

Are you worried that another man will sneer or laugh at you, or will try to make a move on your girlfriend/wife?

If you invite another man to have sex with your girlfriend/wife, and his main interest is to put you down or to make a move on her by the means of microaggressions or open disrespect you have an opportunity to stand your man: Kick him out immediately. Perhaps your girlfriend/wife did not notice these manoeuvres and has an argument with you about them. Explain and describe to her why you kicked him out and then you can decide together which characteristics are an absolute must in order to invite another man at another time.

I am a man and I think this is all bullshit. I just don’t want my girlfriend/wife to have (or to fantasize about) sex with other men.

It is perfectly ok to have this opinion. But you have to live with its consequences then: Then you will never have a female romantic partner who is open-minded to anything sexual, super interested in new sexual experiences and gets turned on easily (and who would take part, enthusiastically, in e.g. a threesome with another woman). In that case seek for a girlfriend/wife who is not very into sex from the beginning, close-minded enough for you and who is content with it as it stands. You will both encounter only few conflicts on the matter, but you will have a boring sex life.

Should you, however, then start whining about the fact that your romantic partner does only very rarely desire sex or that sex with her is too boring, this would be infantile behaviour. It’s like being the guy who bought a can of beer and is whining afterwards that the can doesn’t contain any liquor. If you cannot deal with a sexually powerful and reflected woman, because you are not sexually powerful and reflected enough, and you are too much of a coward to do something about this attitude, stop wishing for having such a woman as your girlfriend/wife.

Relationship work as a polycule – part 2/3: My triad’s schedule

We are three individuals (letters) who form three couples (lines with heart): Two straight couples and one lesbian couple. Additionally, there is the entire triangle, i.e. if all three spend time with one another (scored circle). Thus, we have three different couple spaces and one triad space as well.

For each of these spaces, we have developed our own rituals, bonding behaviours, leisure activities, etc., exactly as any healthy couple will do over time. Naturally, each one of us also needs me time (conveniently, this space can be consumed during a couple space of the other two).

For this, we have created our own schedule:

Once per week, each couple has their couple space for six hours. Meanwhile, the third one either goes to work, spends some me time or meets with friends. We discuss this every week and then agree upon when the respective couple spaces are to take place.

This does not mean, however, that the respective third has to be locked out. He/She can seek brief contact at any time, as long as the fundamental focus resides on the respective couple. If, however, wishes emerge which require more time, we negotiate about them and eventually shift the respective couple space or finish sooner. If there is still time left out of the six hours, these are consumed separately or added to the respective couple space the next week.

This principle works as long as all persons involved keep to it and thus all three couple spaces get the same time, space and energy. From this description it is evident that our everyday life is four times as complex than that of an ordinary couple, not only in theory, but also in practise.

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