Better sex – Part 4/4: How to enjoy sex with a man (for women)

Many straight or bisexual men in a straight relationship complain about the following issue:

“I am afraid that my girlfriend/wife doesn’t enjoy sex the way I do. During, she usually seems quite disinterested which makes sex less and less fun for me, too. Afterwards, it is – almost always – me who has to initiate the next time, apparently she doesn’t miss it if it doesn’t happen.”

A woman, who shows only few or no desire signals during sex, indicates to her man that does not find him sexually interesting. The fact that the woman cooperates so little, however, nearly always happens because she is sexually inexperienced. Either she has not had sex very often yet, or her former sex encounters and/or romantic relationships happened with men who were likewise inexperienced and could not show her something that she found sexually pleasing.

Many women, however, without noticing it, play their part in keeping sex lukewarm or unsatisfactory indefinitely: Most women actually do find their buddy / boyfriend / husband sexually interesting. The reason of their indifference is based on wrong expectations: The codes of behaviour of the role “woman” on which a girl’s education is based from an early age onwards, require them to have no sexual desires of their own. As a consequence, most women learn as children or teenagers to subconsciously suppress any such feelings and “to be a good girl” in order to avoid constant negative reactions (also termed slutshaming) from their social environment. Subsequently, they no longer feel their own sexual arousal and experiment less with their body and their sexual fantasies than most boys and men. This causes most women to achieve a good knowledge of their sexual preferences only in their thirties or later, including issues which have become clear to most men since the beginning of their puberty, as for instance, which kind of touch within their genital range is pleasant and which is not.

This is why a woman does not communicate her sexual wishes in straight sex encounters – either because she does not know these herself, or because she fears – in hasty prejudice or from sorrowful experience – the guy might slutshame her for that. As a result, the same woman expects from her buddy / boyfriend / husband that he helps her to discover her sexuality, because he – apparently – seems to have more sexual experience. The prejudice is not entirely wrong – being educated in the role “man” has left his sexuality mostly intact – however, he has only assembled more sexual experience with his own body and anatomy. With a female body he is, in all probability, much more clueless than the woman herself.

Unfortunately, the woman often reacts destructively to this realization: She is disappointed that her guy cannot fulfil her expectations. Therefore she “lets the sex happen” passively, or pretends to have signals of lust or even an orgasm in order to “get it over with”. Secretly, of course, she will be angry about the guy and project her rage onto other activities of their relationship. The man must get along with their shared sexuality without information on the part of his woman, or with scraps of (often incorrect) knowledge from porn, which naturally guarantees a future of (more) bad sex.

As a woman you can leave this destructive spiral as follows:

Do not expect from your male counterpart that he is better versed with a (for him) unknown, female body than you, who has been living in such a body for all your life. You always perceive best what does feel pleasant or not, therefore it is also your responsibility to communicate these perceptions and wishes. Thus – say something, if you find his movements too firm, too gentle, too quick, too slow, too deep or not deep enough. It is important that you do that verbally, with words! Your buddy / boyfriend / husband will not notice different volumes of moaning or sounds of breath, or if he does, he won’t understand correctly what they mean, if you did not provide a translation to him before. If you do not yet know what makes you horny yourself – no problem: You can – by recalling the things which do not feel good – slowly discover, what remains and does feel good. Be it from inexperience or because you are trying out something new – take your time in order to find your optimal conditions:

  • Position your arms, hands, and legs until everything lies comfortably.
  • Place yourself on cushions or rolled up covers with your head, back, belly or pelvis.
  • Sit or kneel in a way that your feet are balanced.
  • Support your feet with a table, a stool or the wall.
  • Ask your guy to hold your legs, or put them onto his shoulders.

Experiment with the possibilities any time something feels uncomfortable. Ask your guy for a short break in his movements, or that he should let you more freedom of movement. Briefly explain to him, however, what you are intending (“Wait a moment, I must reposition myself” / “I need … etc.”), so that you are on the same page, and that he can, if necessary, help you with it (handing you something, adjust the cushions, etc.).

Don’t get stressed: It is entirely healthy that your body might need a few seconds to adjust itself after a change to new conditions to be able to continue feeling lust and desire again. After each change, wait a little in order to realize whether the situation already fits. If not, you can try out the next change. Everything is allowed that feels good for both of you. The more frequently you have sex, and play this trial-and-error game, the faster you will find out which positions are pleasant to you, and the faster you will be able to adjust yourself to them next time.

Since the female main sexual organ is not the vagina, but the clitoris, find out how you can stimulate your clitoris well, while your guy adds other stimulation (fucks you into your vagina, pleasures you orally, fingers you or stimulates your anus). Some women can do clitoris stimulation best with their hands, others have more fun with a vibrator. In any case try different vibrators, with varying strengths or patterns of vibration (continuously soft, continuously strong, rhythmically changing etc.), in order to find out with which you can have the easiest orgasm. Don’t aim at having the best orgasm possible, this will only put you under pressure and diminish the intensity of your lust and orgasm as a result. Keep in mind the basic principle of engineering instead: First make it work, then make it work better.

It is important to know that male desire comes in an unbroken exponential curve, while female desire moves in waves becoming larger over time. If something feels rather lukewarm for a few seconds, don’t worry – the next wave of desire is, in all probability, already on its way. If, however, something feels lukewarm for longer than half of a minute and doesn’t become better, ask your guy for a break. Depending on how you feel, you can try the following solutions:

  • Slightly shift your position.
  • Use or add more lubricant.
  • Suggest to change speed.
  • Suggest to change depth.
  • Or change into another position.

A gentleman will be considerate and take his time with your wishes and your experimentation, perhaps attempt to help with careful proposals. If a sex encounter or a new variant did not work out as you imagined do try it again – possibly with altered conditions, which might make it work better this time (more time, another place, with the help of sex toys or lubricant etc.). Men, due to their conditioned role “man”, can easily come to the conclusion that they must always perfectly “man up” with a woman, even if they are with a woman like you to whom that does not apply. By unmistakably asking for a next time he knows that you still find him attractive, and you both have the chance for a further attempt, which you can enjoy without stress.

At first sight, a sexually inexperienced man who wants to make you enjoy yourself, but simply does not know how yet, is difficult to tell apart from an intentionally ignorant man, who doesn’t care about your sexual pleasure and who is only out for his own satisfaction. The application of all of these measures makes it possible for you to recognize doubtlessly which of these two types you have encountered. For this reason, it is a very bad idea to pretend to have signals of lust or to fake an orgasm. With an inexperienced man this is an ineffective strategy: He will then remember how he “got you off”, which, in reality, was no fun at all, and will repeat exactly these techniques the next time you have sex. And with an intentionally ignorant man it is as if you praised a dog for shitting on the carpet: He will think that his lack of interest is sufficient and might behave even more inconsiderate next time.

You have encountered an intentionally ignorant man, if he:

  • Does not react to your feedback.
  • Agrees, but then continues without changes.
  • If he tries to persuade you to already discussed unwanted contact or varieties: “Don’t be so complicated …”
  • If he just continues unwanted contact or varieties although you have already stated on multiple occasions that they are not pleasant for you.

Should he bring one of these reactions along, best stop the sex and demand fair play. If he is just insecure, and asks what this is about, explain to him clearly and without offending him, what you wish him to do. Should he, however, show no willingness to learn and prattles instead, get up and out, even if he is your boyfriend or husband. Better an open conflict, after, when he has really listened, you might have better sex than lifelong bad sex.

Small medical excursion

If you feel pain during sex (for example, itching, burning or stinging), this is a clear indication of your body that you have an infection in or on your genitals. Let a doctor look into it. If your doctor states after the first check-up that your problem would be “psychological”, change the doctor! “Psychological” is specialist speech for “I have no idea what causes the problem, but I cannot admit that”. Pain during sex actually can have psychological causes, like subconscious fears or past traumatic experiences, these can, however, only be recognized beyond reasonable doubt if all physical causes have either been eliminated or were successfully treated.

No doctor can correctly diagnose a genital infection or even psychosomatic problem on first guess! A professional doctor assumes several different illnesses, and tells you to go to other institutes (a specialised laboratory, other doctors) for further tests before settling on a diagnosis. They will also suggest different drugs to treat the condition, including alternative medicine. A little-known but not rare gynaecological problem, by the way, is vulvodynia, pain either in the vagina and/or outside at the entrance of the vagina without a current infection. Vulvodynia can occur as a consequence of repeated past infections with bacteria or fungi, or as a symptom of a current infection with HPV.