How does a sexually open relationship work? – part 4/4: Typical problems in straight romantic relationships

As you will find out, just sharing sexual fantasies can have different consequences than actually pursuing them in real life. Some of these discoveries can come really unexpected when experienced for the first time. In a straight relationship, the following issue is quite common:

The woman has heterosexual fantasies with other men:
For example, she fantasizes about giving her boyfriend/husband and one of his male friends hand jobs at the same time or she desires to get fucked by both or more men in a row (gangbang). While erotic stories about it were still ok to her boyfriend/husband (or he secretly didn’t take them seriously), all of a sudden these are a big emotional issue for him in real life:

The fact that “his” girlfriend/wife has fun with another cock is suddenly “weird”, “too much to cope” or “a total turn-down”.

At the same time, he thinks that a threesome with another woman and his girlfriend/wife is a much desired scenario to pursue in real life – but only if any kind of sex with another man is out of the question. This attitude is called Cockblocking.

Cockblocking sounds familiar because of your personal experiences or stories from other people you have come across?
Here is an open letter in the name of all women, who have encountered a man with this attitude once or for whom it is still an issue with their current male romantic partner:

Dear boyfriend/husband!
You would like to have a threesome together with another woman, but you have a problem if your girlfriend/wife desires to have sex with another man?

Sure, your ideal conception is that your girlfriend/wife is open-minded to anything sexual, super interested in new sexual experiences and gets turned on easily. However, she should only ever be this active when your cock is concerned, not towards other men or other cocks. Ideally, she shouldn’t even notice them and react as if they were an extremely boring topic to her.

That’s exactly your opinion? Then let me give you some sex education:

The sexual level, thus sexuality as such, works in the following way:
If sexual fantasies can be pursued in a romantic relationship AS WELL AS casually, one’s sexual level is unlocked: Then your girlfriend/wife can just enjoy her desires and her pleasure fulfilling them. As a consequence, your girlfriend/wife is open-minded to anything sexual, super interested in new sexual experiences and gets turned on easily.

If you force or coerce your girlfriend/wife into always denying herself an important part of her sex life (= casual sex involving other cocks) in a way as if this part didn’t exist at all, her pleasure when having sex with you will go down the drain as well. As a consequence, your girlfriend/wife will disapprove of any kind of new sexual fantasies you would like to pursue with her. Over time, she will consider sex with you “boring”, “not worth it” or “annoying”. She will only participate if you offer her special gifts or if your constant need for sex gets too annoying for her than actually doing it with you. If this dynamic continues, she will develop a lot of (eventually subconscious) anger towards you: You are treating her like a sex toy after all, which you can put back into the drawer after use – not like another human being with equal rights (and desires!).

Now there are 4 possibilities how your girlfriend/wife can respond to your attitude:

  1. A self-confident woman will argue with you and confront you on the issue. If you are ready to reconsider your attitude and to accept equal rights in the matter, you can start to pursue a sexually open romantic relationship which is committed, loving and stable, while having really good sex at the same time.
  2. If you are not willing to reconsider your attitude she will end the romantic relationship after some time in order to seek a male romantic partner who will take her and her sexual desires seriously.
  3. A less self-confident woman (who is a coward as a consequence) will satisfy her sexual desires behind your back and will cheat on you.
  4. And a woman whose self-confidence has been injured or completely taken away in the past will do as you tell her, but – as a result – will suppress her own sexual desire until she is not really interested in having sex with you any more. Additionally, she will start dreadful arguments and quarrels with you over little things, as her (subconscious) anger towards you accumulates inside her and will spontaneously unleash on a regular basis (“being married to a dragon”).

I am a man and my girlfriend/wife is acting like point 3 or 4?

Look inside yourself and try to discover the real reason why you can’t stand that your girlfriend/wife would like to have sex with other cocks than your own as well. In the following text, there are some possible fears along with a recommendation how to solve them. Pick out the one which seems right for you.

Are you worried that your girlfriend/wife will leave you, should she find a sex partner more capable in bed than you?

The patriarchal construct of the social role “man” suppresses everything except sex in a romantic relationship: You have a girlfriend/wife in order to have regular sex, instead of being an unsatisfied single. But here is the thing: You are still having sexual fantasies about a threesome or sex with another woman, right? Meaning, you are aware of the fact that you can share the sexual level with other persons than your romantic partner. Thus, your romantic partner is nothing special then, is she?
Oh, but she IS special to you?

That’s because the romantic level which you suppress when you are in the patriarchal social role “man”, actually defines your romantic relationship. If you have an intact and stable romantic level as a couple, your girlfriend/wife will not leave you if she comes across a casual sex partner who has a special feature in bed. In fact, she is sharing a level and feelings with you which only you can offer her – and not some random man to whom a body she enjoys having sex with belongs to.

However, if you don’t share a stable romantic level with each other (any more), seeking a sexually open relationship is dangerous. If this is the case, both of you have to (re-)establish a stable mutual romantic level, in difficult cases by means of couple therapy or marriage consultation. Since a stable and working romantic level is the absolutely necessary fundament of a sexually open romantic relationship.

Did your parents/your relatives/your community/your friends/other people who you are close to tell you that you are not “man enough”, if your girlfriend/wife desires having sex with other men than you?

If some of these people have put up rules for you on how to live your life and especially your sex life, there is only one solution: Screw them!

Only your romantic partner has the right to co-determine your sex life. All other persons you have sex with do also have a say but only as far as the principle of consent and respect is concerned. If any persons supposedly close to you don’t care if you are unhappy as long as you keep to their rules, instead of encouraging you in your pursuit of happiness, these people are best kicked out of your life immediately. If this is not possible due to dependence (support with children, etc.), give them only information which they can’t use against you when asked. If they drop remarks or unwanted questions about your sex life, tell them loud and clear that they have overstepped your boundaries and don’t give a fuck whether somebody is “insulted” by such clarifying behaviour. They are in no way entitled to ignore your boundaries or to complain about your behaviour if you defend them.

Did you try a sexually open romantic relationship once before and your ex did leave you as a result?

Experiences with former romantic relationships will always influence your current romantic relationship. Keep in mind, however, that your ex is another person than your current girlfriend/wife. Ask her about her wishes and feelings instead of assuming that she will have the same wishes and treat you exactly like your ex.

Are you worried that another man will sneer or laugh at you, or will try to make a move on your girlfriend/wife?

If you invite another man to have sex with your girlfriend/wife, and his main interest is to put you down or to make a move on her by the means of microaggressions or open disrespect you have an opportunity to stand your man: Kick him out immediately. Perhaps your girlfriend/wife did not notice these manoeuvres and has an argument with you about them. Explain and describe to her why you kicked him out and then you can decide together which characteristics are an absolute must in order to invite another man at another time.

I am a man and I think this is all bullshit. I just don’t want my girlfriend/wife to have (or to fantasize about) sex with other men.

It is perfectly ok to have this opinion. But you have to live with its consequences then: Then you will never have a female romantic partner who is open-minded to anything sexual, super interested in new sexual experiences and gets turned on easily (and who would take part, enthusiastically, in e.g. a threesome with another woman). In that case seek for a girlfriend/wife who is not very into sex from the beginning, close-minded enough for you and who is content with it as it stands. You will both encounter only few conflicts on the matter, but you will have a boring sex life.

Should you, however, then start whining about the fact that your romantic partner does only very rarely desire sex or that sex with her is too boring, this would be infantile behaviour. It’s like being the guy who bought a can of beer and is whining afterwards that the can doesn’t contain any liquor. If you cannot deal with a sexually powerful and reflected woman, because you are not sexually powerful and reflected enough, and you are too much of a coward to do something about this attitude, stop wishing for having such a woman as your girlfriend/wife.