How does a healthy romantic relationship work? – Part 1/3: Level 6 on the intimacy scale

The amount of intimacy which is exchanged amongst each other in romantic relationships is the maximum intimacy known to mankind. This fact can be shown in numerous sagas, legends, songs or other forms of narration in all past and present societies. In Eurocentric/Western society, this can be found in popular culture in songs, movies, television series and advertisement.

Marriage ritual words such as “in good times and in bad times, until death do us part” depict the longing after (a) fulfilled romantic relationship(s) without an expiration date. The key element is sharing each others’ lives which enables the possibility of reaching the greatest amount of intimacy as well as the most personal advancement.

Mutual participation in each other’s life decisions thereby has to be a fundamental right of all individuals involved in a romantic relationship. Because in order to mutual participation in each other’s life decisions thereby has to be a fundamental right of all individuals involved in a romantic relationship. Because in order to spend each other’s life together, all aspects must be negotiable with applied consent and respect. Agreements must be reached by means of discussion, until all individuals involved are content. If any person wishes changes, an adjustment of the agreement is necessary, again under participation of all individuals involved where everyone has to apply consent and respect. This especially concerns life decisions, thus decisions, which have an impact on the entire further life. These are the following:

  • The mutual sex life as a couple
  • The sexual openness of the relationship (= whether or how the individuals involved have sex with other people)
  • The place of residence
  • Whether having a pet or raising a child is desired, and if yes, how many of them
  • The romantic openness of the relationship (= whether and how the individuals involved want to live a polyamorous lifestyle)

People, with whom I share an intimacy level other than Level 6, do not have a right of participation in my life decisions: If I were to change my place of residence in such a way that fewer communication is possible, good friends will most certainly be sad about that. However, their participation in my decision to move is neither a necessity nor a responsibility for both sides. On the contrary, if one of your friends wishes to veto your decision, they most certainly suck as a friend concerning other issues, too, since they don’t understand how a true friendship (Level 5) works.

A romantic relationship in the sense of Level 6 does have a right of participation in my life decisions: If I wish our romantic level to become or stay stable, I have to negotiate about my wish to move and reach an agreement which all individuals involved are content with:

  • My romantic relationship moves together with me
  • I do not change my place of residence after all
  • The distance between my new place of residence and the place of residence of my romantic relationship(s) is accepted by all individuals involved

How does a healthy romantic relationship work? – Part 3/3: How can I determine if we are stable as a couple?

A stable romantic level (= Level 6) always contains the sexual level (= Level 3). Only truly asexual people, who don’t feel sexually attracted to any kind of human sexuality would be an exception to this principle.

If two or more people are carrying out romantic activities (kissing, smooching, cuddling) as well as sex, an unstable intermediate level is the case: Level 3 on its own would be stable, however, Level 6 remains incomplete.

Intimacy Scale
Relationship to each other Mutual interest Mutual activities
6
(3, 4 and 5 must be included
in order to achieve stability)
Romantic relationship Sharing each other’s life
to the greatest extent,
co-determining life decisions
Kissing, smooching,
long embraces / hugs,
sleeping together, cuddling
5
(inclusion of 3 and / or 4 is optional)
Friendship Thoughts and feelings Deep talks or entertainment,
looking into emotional issues
4
(inclusion of 3 is optional)
Acquaintance Interesting topics,
a hobby or project
Advancement of a mutual topic,
a hobby, or project,
self experience in a group
3
(excludes 1 and 2)
Fuckbuddy Casual sex Sensuous eroticism,
enjoying lust, fucking

If the people involved decide to start a romantic relationship with each other, this decision leads to more stability. However, the unstable intermediate level continues further:

Intimacy Scale
Relationship to each other Mutual interest Mutual activities
6
(3, 4 and 5 must be included
in order to achieve stability)
Romantic relationship Sharing each other’s life
to the greatest extent,
co-determining life decisions
Kissing, smooching,
long embraces / hugs,
sleeping together, cuddling
5
(inclusion of 3 and / or 4 is optional)
Friendship Thoughts and feelings Deep talks or entertainment,
looking into emotional issues
4
(inclusion of 3 is optional)
Acquaintance Interesting topics,
a hobby or project
Advancement of a mutual topic,
a hobby, or project,
self experience in a group
3
(excludes 1 and 2)
Fuckbuddy Casual sex Sensuous eroticism,
enjoying lust, fucking

If the mutual commitment intensifies further and the people involved decide to be the life partner for each other as a consequence, the following change towards a stable Level 6 is also visible on the intimacy scale:

Intimacy Scale
Relationship to each other Mutual interest Mutual activities
6
(3, 4 and 5 must be included
in order to achieve stability)
Romantic relationship Sharing each other’s life
to the greatest extent,
co-determining life decisions
Kissing, smooching,
long embraces / hugs,
sleeping together, cuddling
5
(inclusion of 3 and / or 4 is optional)
Friendship Thoughts and feelings Deep talks or entertainment,
looking into emotional issues
4
(inclusion of 3 is optional)
Acquaintance Interesting topics,
a hobby or project
Advancement of a mutual topic,
a hobby, or project,
self experience in a group
3
(excludes 1 and 2)
Fuckbuddy Casual sex Sensuous eroticism,
enjoying lust, fucking

In order to share our lives with one another authentically, a romantic relationship must also contain a stable Level 4 (acquaintance, a mutual hobby/project) and a stable Level 5 (friendship, emotional interest for each other). If one of these levels is not active or already stable at the beginning of a romantic relationship, one of these two situations is the case:

  • There has been a mix-up of the sexual and the romantic level caused by patriarchal lies which are probably unconscious to all individuals involved. In reality, at least one person involved only wished for casual sex in the sense of Level 3 and developed a secondarily motivated crush in order to get sex. A mutual Level 4 or Level 5 is optional in the most favorable case, but despised in the most unfavorable case.
  • The people involved actually desire a romantic relationship with each other, however, they have to discover how to realise these levels together step by step. This necessary process of each serious romantic relationship is known by the term relationship work, or as I call it, fighting out one’s relationship.

Depending on how well the people involved have experienced (by parents) or learnt (by oneself) constructive arguing during the course of their lives, the relationship work can look different: In the best case, there are simply many constructive discussions, which consume energy, but still leave some quality time for relaxing and mutual activities. In the worst case, there is destructive arguing, which leaves all persons in the romantic relationship effete and can only be resolved through competent couple therapy or an individual psychotherapy of especially one or even all persons involved.

In order to generate such destructive arguing, it is not necessary to express a conflict openly. If one or all persons involved usually suppress conflicts, instead of indicating the conflict, a destructive, energy-consuming condition is the result. If a stable Level 4 or Level 5 is not the case (yet), that is presented on the intimacy scale like this:

Intimacy Scale
Relationship to each other Mutual interest Mutual activities
6
(3, 4 and 5 must be included
in order to achieve stability)
Romantic relationship Sharing each other’s life
to the greatest extent,
co-determining life decisions
Kissing, smooching,
long embraces / hugs,
sleeping together, cuddling
5
(inclusion of 3 and / or 4 is optional)
Friendship Thoughts and feelings Deep talks or entertainment,
looking into emotional issues
4
(inclusion of 3 is optional)
Acquaintance Interesting topics,
a hobby or project
Advancement of a mutual topic,
a hobby, or project,
self experience in a group
3
(excludes 1 and 2)
Fuckbuddy Casual sex Sensuous eroticism,
enjoying lust, fucking

Level 5, green areas: The mutual interest into each other’s thoughts and feelings is present, however, communication is destructive in such a manner, that the necessary activities (talking, actively sharing each other’s feelings) do not take place.

Level 4, green areas: The activities to establish a mutual hobby/project are carried out together, however, one person wishes for a different concept or priority of the hobby/project than the other, which is either indicated to the other person insufficiently or is ignored by him/her. Therefore, the mutual interest into the hobby/project is frustrated and no longer active.

The tables given above assume that the sexuality of the romantic relationship is mostly satisfying. Romantic relationships, whose sexuality is mostly unsatisfying because of patriarchal lies and/or destructive communication patterns are unfortunately in the majority. The intimacy scale reflects this as follows:

Intimacy Scale
Relationship to each other Mutual interest Mutual activities
6
(3, 4 and 5 must be included
in order to achieve stability)
Romantic relationship Sharing each other’s life
to the greatest extent,
co-determining life decisions
Kissing, smooching,
long embraces / hugs,
sleeping together, cuddling
5
(inclusion of 3 and / or 4 is optional)
Friendship Thoughts and feelings Deep talks or entertainment,
looking into emotional issues
4
(inclusion of 3 is optional)
Acquaintance Interesting topics,
a hobby or project
Advancement of a mutual topic,
a hobby, or project,
self experience in a group
3
(excludes 1 and 2)
Fuckbuddy Casual sex Sensuous eroticism,
enjoying lust, fucking

Level 5, green areas: There is some exchange of each other’s thoughts and feelings, but much too rarely and often secondarily motivated:”If I listen to you, it’s in order to get sexual favours or personal attention and not because I really care about your thoughts and feelings.” This secondary motivation shows that the emotional interest pertaining to Level 5 is either too little or not at all present.

Level 4, green areas: The interest in a mutual hobby/project is present on both sides, however, nobody takes enough time in order to realise it sufficiently. Therefore, activities pertaining to Level 4 do not take place.

Level 3, green areas: There is a conflict over how to realise the sexual level: One would like to try out new sexual fantasies, the other one only wishes to have sex in one or two fixed patterns. Thus, the mutual interest in having sex is frustrated and is less satisfactory than at the beginning of the romantic relationship. As a result, all persons involved pursue it more rarely.

The following variant is just as possible and assumes that a stable platonic friendship (= without sex) was present before the beginning of a romantic relationship:

Intimacy Scale
Relationship to each other Mutual interest Mutual activities
6
(3, 4 and 5 must be included
in order to achieve stability)
Romantic relationship Sharing each other’s life
to the greatest extent,
co-determining life decisions
Kissing, smooching,
long embraces / hugs,
sleeping together, cuddling
5
(inclusion of 3 and / or 4 is optional)
Friendship Thoughts and feelings Deep talks or entertainment,
looking into emotional issues
4
(inclusion of 3 is optional)
Acquaintance Interesting topics,
a hobby or project
Advancement of a mutual topic,
a hobby, or project,
self experience in a group
3
(excludes 1 and 2)
Fuckbuddy Casual sex Sensuous eroticism,
enjoying lust, fucking

A healthy interest in and a way to share each other’s thoughts and feelings is already the case, while the mutual sexuality and a mutual hobby/project is yet to be discovered and established as a stable level. The couple in this example has better chances than in the upper one to establish the missing stable levels: Because if the possibility for constructive discussions on each other’s thoughts and feelings is present, the topics simply need to be extended to an exchange on the mutual sexuality and on a mutual hobby/project.

The relationship work of the other couple is however unstable on all necessary levels at once. There is failed motivation as well as destructive communication: The persons involved therefore have to learn communication within the relationship from scratch, which is more difficult than building a romantic relationship with the tools of a pre-existing friendship. The issues and one’s wishes must be discussed and the conflicts must be worked out together. The key strategy thereby is”harmony through conflict” – which means that harmonic stability can only be achieved by doing the relationship work first.

If satisfactory solutions for all persons involved lead to a stable Level 3 (sexual activities), Level 4 (acquaintance), Level 5 (friendship) and Level 6 (romantic intimacy) with the romantic relationship(s) in place, a holistically functioning, stable romantic level has been established:

Intimacy Scale
Relationship to each other Mutual interest Mutual activities
6
(3, 4 and 5 must be included
in order to achieve stability)
Romantic relationship Sharing each other’s life
to the greatest extent,
co-determining life decisions
Kissing, smooching,
long embraces / hugs,
sleeping together, cuddling
5
(inclusion of 3 and / or 4 is optional)
Friendship Thoughts and feelings Deep talks or entertainment,
looking into emotional issues
4
(inclusion of 3 is optional)
Acquaintance Interesting topics,
a hobby or project
Advancement of a mutual topic,
a hobby, or project,
self experience in a group
3
(excludes 1 and 2)
Fuckbuddy Casual sex Sensuous eroticism,
enjoying lust, fucking