Better sex – Part 2/4: Organic chemistry or: What they didn’t tell you

Each individual has other sexual preferences which is why general principles for “good sex” cannot easily be defined. While the fact stands that no two individuals have the same sexual preferences in equal proportions, it is possible to observe some basics of how a vulva or a penis react during sexual arousal and intercourse and what, therefore, constitutes enjoyable sex.

The direct way to obtain such knowledge could be via age-appropriate sex education, so that as a teenager or young adult, people would have a clue how to please themselves and others, and thus build a fulfilling sex life with relatively few obstacles.

Except this is not the case in any mainstream, patriarchal society. Due to the way that satisfying sexuality produces solidarity which in turn produces power, insufficient sex education is a useful tool for any parasitic system to keep most of its individuals unsatisfied, powerless, and divided. It is also the reason why all conservative worldviews (including pseudo-liberal, relativistic ones) reduce sex education to a “how to make babies” guide, or try to shut it down completely, for teenagers and for adults.

The social role “woman“ in which all people with a vulva at birth are raised, demands that women don’t have sexual
desires of their own. The easiest way to cut down these desires, is by omitting information from sex education about the women’s body and how it works. This erasure or misinformation is then used to justify all kinds of sex myths about women’s sexuality that confuse women, men, and other genders, and thus guarantee bad sex for all.
This guide aims to fill in the gaps, by giving a complete explanation how a female body is able to feel arousal and desire.

Here is what they didn’t tell you in sex education:

Women, just like men, get erections when they are sufficiently relaxed and aroused. Many find this surprising, because a vaginal erection happens mainly inside the vagina, making it less visible from the outside than a man’s boner. Apart from this, everything works in the same way: First, the visible clitoral head and the inner labia swell and increase in size. This is her semi. Through this, the genital area becomes more sensitive which is necessary for the next step, because, for a full erection, most people require their genitals being touched in a way that they enjoy. Then the inner tissue around the vagina swells which makes the vagina flexible and wider. This is called a vaginal erection which is the same as a man’s full hard-on. A vagina that is erect adapts to the length, diameter and shape of an inserted penis, finger or object. For this, the woman doesn’t have to do anything consciously, as her body does it automatically. Just as a man is only able to glide into a vagina as long as he has a sufficient erection, a woman is only able to receive a penis with pleasure as long as she has a sufficient vaginal erection.

A common sex myth is that vaginas get “loose“ or widen after a woman has had sex very often, or with multiple men, which would decrease pleasure for men. This is, however, based on a false understanding of the vaginal erection. The vagina widens when erect, but then bounces back to its original size, after the erection has gone, just like a man’s penis. The reason why even women carry on this belief, is, besides slutshaming, that with sexual experience, having tried out different sizes, or after giving birth, the vagina adapts more easily to bigger sizes when erect. So, in fact, the vagina gets more elastic with practice which actually increases pleasure because everything “fits” better.

Another common sex myth is that all women orgasm by vaginal penetration, when, in reality, most women do not.
The reason why this is so often shown in porn or movies, is that most of them are still written, directed and produced by straight men, and the easiest sex for a man who likes to penetrate is when he does just that, and the woman gets off. As a consequence, women that are actually able to come by penetration might be more likely to pursue a career in the porn industry – and the rest is faking it to do their job.

Women do not orgasm with their vagina. In fact, the vagina itself does not feel much: It does not have many nerve
endings, since it has to be a tough organ: It passes discharge, accepts penetration, and gives birth (!). This is why
women can wear hygienic products (such as a tampon or a menstrual cap) for hours: Once it is in, they hardly feel it
any more. Still, only women that derive pleasure from penetration will seek straight sex partners, and procreate.
Evolution has solved this dilemma by evolving pleasure-generating areas outside the vagina. Tada: the clitoris!
Therefore, women have an orgasm when their clitoris receives sufficient stimulation. Since male and female genitals are homologous, meaning they were once the same body part during fetal development, every part of the female anatomy can be mapped to its corresponding male part. For most people, even the techniques that give these parts pleasure are the same as for its counterpart.

So let’s begin our anatomy lesson:

The clitoris consists of external, visible, and internal, under-the-surface parts. The external part comprises the clitoral head with its clitoral hood, which corresponds to the penis head and its foreskin. The internal parts comprise the area around and below the head until the urinary opening, which corresponds to the penis’ ridged band, and two clitoral legs on either side, that correspond to the penis shaft,
and go from the head along the labia, until they end next to the vagina. The part that corresponds to the frenulum,
however, is the half-circle below the vaginal opening, which is called the fourchette.

Penetration stimulates the internal parts next to the vagina. However, in order for a woman to generate enough
pleasure to orgasm from penetration alone and thus from this part, it has to grow into a certain size and shape (during fetal development and puberty), and this is not often the case. While an internet-based study from 2017 (Women’s Experiences With Genital Touching, Sexual Pleasure, and Orgasm: Results From a U.S. Probability Sample of Women Ages 18 to 94) found out that only one out of five women is able to orgasm by penetration alone, in my personal experience, the number is significantly lower. A woman who is able to have a vaginal orgasm corresponds to a man being able to orgasm just by getting the lower half of his shaft rubbed, while anything further up doesn’t get any stimulation.

Since the clitoral legs are different in every woman, reactions to different methods of vaginal stimulation vary greatly. Besides the women who never have a vaginal orgasm, some are only able to with a penis or dildo of a specific shape and size, or a specific penetration technique, while it doesn’t work with others. And even the women who nearly always orgasm vaginally report that additional touching of the outer parts of their clitoris results in more pleasure. As the clitoral legs end around the G-spot that is responsible for squirting, the same causality applies: Some women are able to squirt, others on occasion, and some not at all. One thing is for sure: The majority of women orgasm with other parts of the clitoris, which are not involved in penetration: The clitoral head, its hood, around and below. Fortunately, there are fingers, things to rub against, and, since the invention of the vibrator, sex toys for precisely this purpose.

Each body that experiences sexual arousal and desire automatically contracts the muscles around the genital area. When people masturbate or engage in sexual activities, many describe these contractions as sudden movements over the whole body, which they find difficult to suppress. In a female body with a vulva this behaviour looks like this: If a dildo, a finger or a penis are inserted into the vagina and moved back and forth, and she likes being penetrated in this way, she automatically and unconsciously pulls the muscles around the vagina together and relaxes them again. The stronger this movement is, the more aroused she will feel, until these contractions are strongest during her orgasm. This, again corresponds to the male body, as a man also automatically and unconsciously contracts his muscles upon pleasure, leading the contractions getting stronger, until they pump and release sperm during his orgasm.

During all straight sexual activities, especially penis-in-vagina intercourse, her muscle movements are not only
producing pleasure for the woman, however; they also massage the penis which is inside the vagina, between the
muscles. This is usually just as pleasurable for the man. Concerning fucking, this means for a man: The more pleasure the woman feels, the more his penis will get massaged and the more pleasure he, also, will feel. We can therefore safely conclude that a man who considers the desire of the woman “too much work” actually behaves stupidly even from an egocentric perspective: He rids himself of a pleasurable penis massage.

These conclusions of anatomy are directly transferable to same-sex sexual activities: During lesbian intercourse, be it with fingers, a dildo, or orally, the muscle movements are pleasurable to the receiving as well as the giving woman who is able to feel directly how the other woman is enjoying her actions. The muscles around the anus move exactly like the ones around the vulva (in a female and in a male body). Therefore, during gay anal intercourse which is pleasurable to the receiving man, his muscle movements massage the penis of the giving man in just the same way.

Better sex – Part 3/4: For Men: How to Really Pleasure a Woman

A notice on gender and orientation

The following guide uses woman to indicate people who were born with (and still have) a vulva, and were raised “as a woman”, and man to indicate people who were born with (and still have) a penis, and were raised “as a man”. The author chose this wording because most people with this background identify as such. However, patriarchal behaviour patterns such as toxic masculinity, and its counterpart, toxic femininity, are deeply unconscious, and especially tenacious with sex and love: Queer and non-binary people often either keep much of the gender role in which they were raised, or switch to the opposite gender role, in the good and bad sense. This text is therefore applicable to people of all sexual and romantic orientations, and all genders, in that woman and man can mean “person who mostly acts in a way which most people expect from a woman / a man of their cultural background”.

Many straight or bisexual women who are in a straight relationship complain about the following:

“When my boyfriend/husband is inside me during sex, it feels as if he is just poking around. His movements do not feel bad or anything – it’s just that I don’t feel very much at all. I rarely / never have an orgasm during penetration. Other techniques, however, such as when I touch myself, or when he goes down on me, work much better.”

A man who is “poking around” is giving most women the impression that he is choosing his movements randomly or is only following his own desire. This inability, however, is most often a consequence of him being inexperienced with sexual intercourse. He has either had just a few times sex yet, or his past sexual experiences and/or former relationship(s) happened with women who were just as inexperienced and could not provide him guidance on how to do better.

As I have observed, the man’s erratic style is not given by nature, instead, he unconsciously follows a seemingly logical path. There are very few men actually who do not care at all whether they are giving the woman sexual pleasure. The reason is instead rooted in the fact, that most men are raised in the social role “man”, a set of behavioural rules that produce toxic masculinity in real life. One of these false beliefs of the social role “man” states:

“More is always better.”

Among other things, this belief is the origin of the obsession and the inferiority complex that many men feel about their penis’ size (“Bigger is always better”). Women are often baffled by the extent of such concerns, either because they have been raised in the social role “woman” which doesn’t contain such a belief, or because, as owner of a vagina, they know from their own experience that too big a penis can complicate intercourse or even cause them pain. As a consequence, the latter will see the man with the biggest penis as an interesting erotic experiment maybe, but will choose a man with a practical penis size for a long-term sexual involvement or a romantic relationship. Only a minority of women will actually prefer a very large size.

During all straight sexual activities, especially penis-in-vagina intercourse – but also cunnilingus, penetration with fingers or a dildo, and anal intercourse – the same belief causes another difficulty: The man thinks that the harder, faster or deeper he goes, the more the woman will enjoy the sex. This is the origin of two behaviours that so many women complain about, so that, among female friends, they have become a cliché when they tell the story of their last sexual encounter:

  • At the beginning of penetration, the man goes as deep as he can, followed by fast thrusts, thinking that the woman will find the most pleasure in sex like a rocket launch.
  • If the woman is showing signs of sexual enjoyment, he increases his speed (further) or thrusts her even more deeply. He thinks that if his movements are so good that she is undoubtedly enjoying them, then moving faster and deeper will give her even more pleasure.

Both techniques are, however, a misunderstanding: Most female bodies simply do not work in this way.

Rocket launch

For a woman to experience pleasure out of movements inside her vagina, two conditions must be met:

  1. She must have a vaginal erection.
  2. She must be lubricated: Both the inside of her vagina and its entrance should offer a good glide.
1. Vaginal erection

Women, just like men, get an erection when they are aroused. A vagina that is erect adapts to the length, diameter and shape of an inserted penis, finger or object which is the basic requirement for pleasurable penetration. How long a vagina takes to adapt to a given size, however, differs by the individual – it can take a few seconds to some minutes. Both time spans are healthy and depend on how relaxed the woman feels, and how well the outside and inside of her vagina have been “turned on”, which is commonly known as foreplay. If she has had too little time to adjust herself to the “filling”, or has not enjoyed the kind of touch (or the lack thereof) that she has received, the penetration chafes in yet unprepared areas, which the woman experiences as an uncomfortable feeling.

If she is relaxed enough depends highly on whether the man ensures her wishes are met just as he pursues his own, in short, whether he values fairness. Unfortunately, there are always men who deem giving foreplay unnecessary. Therefore, they only offer it at the firm request of the woman, and even then they do it, visibly annoyed, in a “I’ll be glad when it’s over”-fashion. Ironically, a man of this type always gives himself sufficient foreplay, either with sexual fantasies, by watching porn, or by masturbation. When he feels ready for penetration, he addresses the woman, who is surprised by his desire, as she hasn’t done anything to get into the mood, and thus doesn’t have an erection of her own. Another version is that both start at the same time, with the man enjoying when the woman gives him head or offers a helping hand. As soon as he has a sufficient erection, he wants to start penetration – while he didn’t provide pleasant stimulation or simply didn’t allow the time for the woman to get a sufficient erection as well.

2. Lubrication

Although every woman gets wet when she is sexually aroused, the amount of fluid differs by the individual. Some get so wet the juice is running down their thighs, while others produce only a few drops that become visible only after penetration has taken place. Both amounts are healthy and do not state anything about the kind of sex she wants to have right now: A very wet woman does not necessarily desire hard fucking, and an apparently dry woman can be nevertheless especially horny. Best way to find out: Ask her. If she is among the women who become little wet by their own fluid or if she has just a less wet day (maybe because she isn’t hydrated or due to stress) – use lubricant, spit, or any gliding product that is healthy for human membranes to provide the necessary glide (water alone doesn’t work because it doesn’t stick). This gliding effect must be given everywhere inside the vagina and at its entrance, otherwise the penetrating object adheres to the too dry area which generates an uncomfortable feeling.

Therefore, the first few movements inside the vagina have the purpose to allow her vagina to adapt to whatever is inside and to distribute fluid evenly over the parts of her vulva which are involved in penetration.

If, however, the man begins to insert his penis with great depth or speed, for most women, the penetration does not produce the intended effect of giving her pleasant feelings, but gives her a neutral, boring feeling or even unpleasant chafing instead. This is not quite the ideal beginning of an enjoyable sexual experience. For a sensitive woman or one who has just overcome a genital infection shortly before (like a urinary tract infection), this technique can even feel mainly painful and will most likely terminate her interest in further sexual interaction immediately.

More is not necessarily better

For a woman (or any receiving sex partner) to feel any sexual pleasure, she must allow herself to let go and follow the touch or movement of the giving partner. If she is showing signs of pleasure, she has found a good rhythm to follow – meaning, that she enjoys the man’s touches or movements, just how they are right now. If the man changes his touch or movement at this point, he is also changing the pattern the woman has adapted to, which causes her feelings of pleasure to drop or disappear suddenly. The woman will need some time to adjust herself to the changed pattern. But, as soon as she has relaxed sufficiently to enjoy the new pattern and shows signs of pleasure again, the man changes his technique again, or tries to speed up his movements, causing her pleasure to drop once more, etc.

While it would be simple to observe this linear dynamic, the situation is more complicated. No man is able to speed up his movements consistently like a fucking-machine. A man who is constantly trying to fuck harder, will therefore slow down suddenly and then speed up again, either because the fast thrusts exhaust him or excite him too much and put him close to his orgasm too soon.

This leads to total confusion of the woman. Every time when she is in a good rhythm and feels pleasure, the feeling drops suddenly. Furthermore, the man is not only abruptly moving faster, but is also abruptly slowing down, in a seemingly random order, and as a consequence, she does not know what to expect next and how to adjust herself. As a result, this requires the woman to concentrate excessively to feel constant pleasure during sexual intercourse, or she gives up and does not react to the man’s movements (any more), just waiting for him to come since the concentration exercise is (or has become) too exhausting compared to its pleasure gain.

All of this originated in the fact that the man was raised in the social role “man” and is therefore mostly unconscious and not chosen behaviour. Unfortunately, many men actively perpetuate their beliefs from there, in that they blame the woman for “not doing it right” or “not working as she should”, and silence, slutshame, or flat out ignore her whenever she communicates her “abnormal” desires and wishes before or during sex.

As a man, you can stop this dynamic by doing the following:
The gist:

Start soft. Go slow. Allow for pauses. The logic behind this is that if you start slow, most women will like what you are doing, and you can still increase pressure, speed, depth, etc. later. If you, however, go in full speed, you will most likely irritate or hurt your woman. Moreover, if she wants you to fuck her hard, she only has to tell you once, which will most likely be a pleasant moment for both of you, whereas having to remind you several times to slow down will annoy the both of you.

Now to the details:

Before you go between her legs, make sure you have washed or disinfected your hands. Women can contract (and spread) many infections simply from getting germs from unwashed hands onto or inside their vagina. These infections make sex painful and life unpleasant, and usually require a week or longer to treat, in which time no penetration should occur. Pro tip: If your woman doesn’t like cold hands, here is how to avoid them: If you have access to warm water, let it rinse over your wrists for a few seconds. If not, put your hands between your thighs for a minute afterwards.

Many women claim that they would need a long foreplay. However, for most women, this is not true. Instead, this claim is based on an unconscious countermeasure: Many men give foreplay in the form of too rough touches, or constantly change the technique before the woman can even adjust to it. A long foreplay, however, has the effect that he will slow down after his first “rush”, and the longer period of time increases the chance that he will repeat the techniques that the woman likes, or apply them longer, so that she is able to actually enjoy them.

Experienced men (and women!) therefore know that it is not about the duration of the foreplay, but rather about its efficiency:

Don’t “rush” immediately onto her genitals. Begin sex with touching other spots of her body. Choose movements and pressure as a rule of thumb half as firm as you originally wanted. Most women enjoy when you start further up (e. g. shoulders) or down (e. g. feet), and then move towards her vulva. Forget about your own body for the moment and instead focus on hers. Stay at least 30 seconds with the same technique (gentle touches, a massage, etc.), at the same speed. If you are not so good with time, count in your head from 20 to 50 – that’s about 30 seconds. Make one deliberate, dedicated touch after the other. Encourage her to touch herself in addition to your touches, thereby splitting the foreplay between the both of you.

Between two and five minutes of efficient foreplay can make the difference between good sex that she wants to do again, and yet another boring encounter. Then you can move on to penetration (regardless if you finger her, use a dildo, or fuck her).

No matter how urgently you desire to fuck her hard – if you want her to like it, her vagina needs to adapt to the shape and size of your penis first. Three techniques do the trick:

  • Use your fingers to touch the entrance of her vagina, and then move slowly (!) inside, and feel how her vagina is widening, and how she gets wet. As soon as you can comfortably fit as many fingers as your penis is wide inside her, she is able to receive you with pleasure.
  • Use your penis, and go fully inside, but then remain still or just do minimal movements to support your own erection, until her whole body visibly relaxes (or she starts to move, or tells you to get going).
  • Use your penis, but go half as deep and half as fast as you would like it right now. If you wish to increase depth and/or speed, as a rule of thumb, do it after the fifth thrust at the earliest.

Exception to all these tricks: She tells you directly to skip foreplay, that she enjoys a completely different foreplay better, or that she wants you to fuck her harder.

If the woman starts showing signs of pleasure after this initial phase, meaning that she is suddenly taking deep breaths, moaning, or making affirmative sounds such as “Yes!”, “Ooh”, etc. continue your movements exactly as they are. It is by the way not relevant whether you are fucking her fast or slowly – the important part is to keep the rhythm the same! Therefore select a sufficiently comfortable position where you can apply depth and speed in such a way that you can carry on longer than a few seconds, without having to change your pattern. If you have trouble keeping a rhythm, play some music with the right tempo in the background, and just carry on. You will thrust to the music, even if you do not focus on it.

Change pressure, depth, speed, angle, or technique only if one of the following happens:

  • She tells you directly that she likes it better faster or slower, deeper or less deeper.
  • You want to try a specific move.
  • You find that you do not gain sufficient pleasure from your own movements.
  • You happen to lie/sit/stand uncomfortably and would like to change into a more comfortable position.

If you cannot tell whether she is (still) enjoying the sex, but very quietly, has dozed off, is writing the grocery list in her mind, or is watching the television running nearby, ask her to tell or show you what feels good for her – during foreplay and penetration. If she does not like to show loud signs of pleasure, such as moaning, she can simply say “Yes” as soon as what you are doing causes her sexual pleasure.

While male desire comes in an unbroken exponential curve, female desire moves in waves becoming larger over time. With much sexual experience, these waves change and meet in the middle. If the woman experiences something as rather neutral this does not mean that she does not enjoy the overall sex – the next pleasure wave may already be on its way and kick in mere seconds later. If she, however, shows that something feels neutral and does not get better over half of a minute – or shows any reaction that you do not understand – pause your movements, and ask her what she wants you to do right now. If she is not able to tell you because she does not know for sure either, encourage her to experiment a little with her body. A self-confident woman will begin to experiment by herself.

Give her some time and space: She will not (be able to) find the perfect position immediately, and may have to readjust the position of her arms, legs or pelvis several times, before she wants to continue penetration. She may even request you to continue your movements, only to signalize shortly afterwards that she needs a pause again because the position does not feel as good as she has thought.

If she is making little corrections to her position, these have their purpose: By moving away from you, she is probably correcting too much pressure, or too deep penetration. By moving towards you, or to the side, she adapts your stimulation to be most effective. When this happens, do not readjust your own body, as this confuses the situation again. Just continue whatever you were doing before, and feel how she is enjoying you.

Do not ask her immediately after a change, whether she finds it better – as her body must first adjust itself to the new conditions, she won’t be able to know that so quickly. Again, just continue: If the change was a good idea, you will recognise this by her renewed signs of pleasure. If you are unsure, you can ask her of course – but allow for some time delay.

The following solutions are frequent:

  • To shift the position slightly
  • To apply or reapply additional lubrication
  • To wipe over parts that are too wet (as this is causing insufficient stimulation)
  • To change speed
  • To change depth
  • To change entirely into another sex position
  • To alter the position so she can touch herself to enhance pleasure.

A likely result of her experimenting will be that she will touch her clitoris, use a toy, or rub against something in order to come. This can increase pleasure for her before, during and after penetration. She may not be able to come through your penetration alone. If this is a surprise to you because you have seen women come by penetration many times in movies or porn and you wonder whether something is wrong with her or with you, don’t worry, as you have fallen prey to a very common sex myth:

Women do not orgasm with their vagina, but with their clitoris. The most sensitive parts of the clitoris lie outside the vagina, around and below the visible clitoral head. Only a minority of women is able to orgasm just by penetration, because an inner part of her clitoris has grown into a lucky position and is reached by penetration. According to a study from 2017, that minority is one out of five, although in my personal experience, the number is significantly lower. So, if you had 3 ex-girlfriends, and 2 hook-ups before now, and all of them came just by penetration, or at least claimed to, then, in all probability, at least four of them were faking it, and maybe one was telling the truth.

All these behaviours are healthy and form an essential part of good sex since they make it possible to find the best conditions under which all individuals involved get the most pleasure out of what’s happening.

Should you find the results of her experimentation “weird” or disconcerting at some point, be careful, as this is your internalized toxic masculinity speaking. Your sex partner was raised in the social role “woman”, which means that she has been shamed for her sexual desires by the majority of her social environment, for her whole life. To feel her body and sexuality with you watching, and, especially, to experiment with that, has already required quite some courage. If you get impatient, unnerved or derogatory about what she is doing now and show it openly or comment accordingly (“You look strange”, “Ugh, what are you doing now?!”, “Are you a slut, or what?”, etc.), this can mean that:

  • This is the last time she has sex with you.
  • Annoyed, she breaks off sex, and confronts your unfair behaviour.
  • She stops experimenting, and just goes through the motions of what you want. This can last for weeks or months, with boring formulaic sex – or no sex at all while she gets creative on excuses (every time you try to initiate sex, she is suddenly suffering from “migraine”). By unconsciously continuing toxic masculinity, you encouraged her to unconsciously drop back into toxic femininity.

You can rectify this by treating her “weird” sexual desires as a natural part of her: Stop slutshaming, and stop being mean, even as a joke. You wouldn’t want her to make a disgusted face after seeing your o-face, either. The sooner you change this for good, the more likely she will trust you again, so that you can resume your quest for good sex.

The best strategy is simply watching her experimentation without comment, and being helpful (by adjusting cushions, handing lubricant or sex toys, etc.). If you notice that you are becoming impatient, relax, and remind yourself that sex will not always be like that, but that she is finding techniques right now which she will be able to apply much faster in a few months, because she is developing a better feeling for her own body, her sexual desires, and you as sexual partner. What you can and even should tell her, are compliments (“You look so hot!”), or if sex acts she is performing on you become physically unpleasant (“Ow! This doesn’t work, could you try … ?”)

At first glance, a sexually inexperienced woman, who would like to enjoy the sex with you, but simply does not know how yet, looks the same as an intentionally ignorant woman, who has no interest in mutual pleasure, but uses sexual intercourse as a sort of currency instead, in order to obtain romantic attention, gifts or financial support (“a kept woman”). If you apply all these measures, you will be able to recognize without doubt which of these two types you have encountered.

You have met an intentionally ignorant woman, if she:

  • Does not react to your requests to tell you what she likes or dislikes – both during sex, and in discussions afterwards.
  • Claims that she would like to be more interactive during sex, but then freezes and does nothing, and never addresses the topic by herself again.
  • Snaps at you when you pause during sex to ask her what she wants.
  • Tells you that your discussion attempts would be “unnerving” or “immature”, and that “a real man” would know what she wants without asking – or, that a former sex partner would have known it all by himself.

Should she show one of these reactions, best break off sex and demand fair behaviour. If she is honestly confused about what’s going on, she has probably reacted destructively as a pre-emptive strike because she has hastily assumed that you will shame her as soon as she shows sexual initiative, like other men before you. In this case try to be very friendly and ensure her that you will enable her sexual wishes just as you pursue yours, in other words, that you will be fair. Should she, however, show no willingness to learn and tries to put up a fight instead, get up and out, even if the sex partner is your girlfriend or wife. Better an open conflict, that forces her to drop her game and communicate so that you might have better sex afterwards, than the prospect of lifelong bad sex.

Better sex – Part 4/4: For Women: How to Enjoy Sex with a Man

A notice on gender and sexual orientation

The following guide uses woman to indicate people who were born with (and still have) a vulva, and were raised “as a woman”, and man to indicate people who were born with (and still have) a penis, and were raised “as a man”. The author chose this wording because most people with this background identify as such.However, patriarchal behaviour patterns such as toxic masculinity and its counterpart, toxic femininity, are deeply unconscious, and especially tenacious with sex and love: Queer and non-binary people often either keep much of the gender role in which they were raised, or switch to the opposite gender role, in the good and bad sense. This text is therefore applicable to people of all sexual and romantic orientations, and all genders, such as intersex, trans and non-binary people, in that woman and man can mean “person who mostly acts in a way which most people have experienced or expect from a woman / a man of their cultural background”.

Many straight or bisexual men in a straight relationship complain about the following:

“I am afraid that my girlfriend/wife doesn’t enjoy sex the way I do. During the act, she usually seems quite disinterested which makes sex less and less fun for me, too. Afterwards, it is – almost always – me who has to initiate the next time, apparently she doesn’t miss it if it doesn’t happen.”

A woman, who rarely initiates sex, or shows few or no desire signals during sex, indicates to her man that does not find him sexually interesting.

This indifference, however, nearly always happens because she is sexually inexperienced. Either she has not had sex very often yet, or her former sex encounters and/or romantic relationships happened with men who were likewise inexperienced and could not show her something that she found sexually pleasing.

Most women, however, play their part in staying sexually inexperienced even after different sex partners, and thus have lukewarm or unsatisfactory sex indefinitely: Hardly any woman has sex with people that she doesn’t find somehow attractive. So, a woman usually finds her chosen sex partner / boyfriend / husband sexually interesting. The reason of their indifference is instead rooted in the fact, that most women are raised in the social role “woman”, a set of behaviour patterns that produce toxic femininity (the counterpart of toxic masculinity) in everyday life. One of these false beliefs of the social role “woman” states:

Women do not have sexual desires of their own.

As a consequence, most women learn to subconsciously suppress any such feelings in order to be “a good girl” and thus avoid constant negative reactions (also termed slutshaming) from their social environment.

One way of achieving this are physical suppression mechanisms. Women are told to “put their legs together”, which is not just a figure of speech. Every person who nearly always sits or stands with their legs together develops constantly cramped muscles in their feet and thighs that press on the nerves which transport sexual desire. Another typical posture of women is crossing one leg over the knee of the other to present an attractive pose. This supports the suppression in that it mutes the nerves in the lower back, leaving the genital area practically numb (and creating back pain in later years). A woman who has gotten used to these postures from an early age onwards, doesn’t feel when she starts to get sexually aroused – it only breaks through once she is already desperately horny.

At this point, the psychological suppression mechanism takes over. A woman who communicates in an honest way that she wants sex right now, usually receives immediate negative feedback: From patriarchal men who are intimidated by her self-confidence, or patriarchal women who trade sexual availability against attention, and who are never as “easy” as a woman who seeks sex for her own desire.

Subsequently, women learn to avoid saying directly when they are horny, and wait for another horny person to initiate sex, who will hopefully pick the right moment, when she is also feeling it. This also results in women playing games and social codes that revolve around getting sex, but avoiding slutshaming. The rule seems to be: Put enough bait out there so that the right one bites, but do it in a way that other people do not bite you.

Over time, both suppression mechanisms together produce what is called responsive desire. A woman with responsive desire has completely stopped feeling any sexual arousal by herself, and only feels her own desire after another person has touched her sexually. This is different from asexuality in that an asexual woman doesn’t feel sexual arousal even after such sexual touch.

So, most of the time, she just doesn’t feel it, and when she does, she doesn’t say in a way that is clearly understandable. If she has responsive desire, she may even never seem interested, although she is actually in the mood.

Additionally, suppressing your sexual desire produces a bad mood. A woman who is suppressing her sexuality will often feel tired, aimless, sad, depressed, frustrated, or angry, without being able to pinpoint the cause for her feelings (If she can think of a cause within a minute, her feelings are a reaction to that, and have nothing to do with her need for sex): “I don’t know, I’m just having a bad day”. A cliché example is the anxious 1950s housewife. Unfortunately, this fuels a vicious cycle: Her bad mood will finally mute any sexual arousal that somehow made it past the physical and psychological suppression mechanism, creating an even more bad mood in the process.

Due to this suppression, most women experiment less with their body and sexual fantasies than most boys and men, and thus achieve a good knowledge of their sexual preferences only in their thirties or later, including issues which have become clear to most men since the beginning of their own puberty, for example, which kind of touch on their body and genitals is pleasant and which is not. This, in turn, leads to a woman who does not communicate her sexual wishes even during sexual encounters – either because she does not know these herself, or because she fears – in hasty prejudice or from sorrowful experience – that the guy might slutshame her for that.

In sum, her behaviour creates a deeply unfair situation: In order to make sex happen, the man nearly always has to initiate sex. For the man, this translates to frequent rejection (When she doesn’t feel it, and therefore doesn’t react to his banter, or when she communicates her interest so indirectly that he mistakes her reaction for disinterest.) and constant self-doubt (when she allows sex to happen, but stays vague). He can never know for sure why he got lucky this time, or if she actually likes what he is doing. Since most women are used to being pursued, and receiving sexual innuendo – to the point where it is actually annoying – many women have trouble imagining how confidence-draining it is when nobody expresses a clear interest. Hence, they don’t understand why the man complains about their indifference, or why he retreats and becomes emotionally distant because he feels unwanted or unloved.

All of this originated in the fact that she was raised in the social role “woman” and is therefore mostly unconscious and not chosen. Unfortunately, many women actively perpetuate this unfair situation from there: An inexperienced woman often expects from her sex partner / boyfriend / husband to already know what she wants without telling him, because he apparently seems to have more sexual experience. The prejudice is not entirely wrong – being brought up in the role “man” has left his sexuality mostly intact – however, he has only gained more sexual experience with his own body and anatomy. With a female body he is, in all probability, much more clueless than the woman herself.

When she discovers that, she is usually disappointed that her guy cannot show her something exciting. Therefore she “lets him do his thing” passively, or pretends to have signals of lust or even an orgasm in order to “get it over with”. Secretly, of course, she will be angry and project this onto other activities of their relationship which also gives her the perfect outlet for her bad mood. Meanwhile, her man must get along without any information on her needs and desires, or with scraps of (often wildly incorrect) knowledge from porn, which naturally guarantees a future of (more) bad sex.

As a woman you can leave this destructive spiral as follows:

Begin with a thought experiment: Pick someone with whom you have or had sex repeatedly, choose a timespan (last week, a month, etc.), and think about the times you had sex. How did each of these times start? Who talked dirty, asked or touched whom? Since ambivalent communication produces a problem, only explicit approaches are valid. You can imagine the following: If a third person had been standing next to you, would they have noticed how you initiated the sex that followed? These are the ones to count.

If you clearly initiated at least 40% of your sexual encounters (e. g. 4 out of 10 times), everything is fine. You can jump to taking responsibility for your desires during sex (point 3). If, however, the rate is more skewed in his direction, because you initiate sex far less often than he does, you have a toxic femininity dynamic going on, which has probably already poisoned your connection / relationship, and will continue to do so if you don’t change anything.

1. Physical suppression

Start by unlearning your physical suppression mechanisms. If you sit somewhere, anywhere, check your legs. Do you sit with crossed legs? Uncross them immediately and put both feet on the ground. Straighten your back while you’re at it. This will enable your lower back to pass on sexual arousal. Next, observe in the same way when you sit with both feet on the ground, but are pressing your knees or thighs together. Start by opening your legs and spreading a little. Continue this until you sit with relaxed, open legs. As long as there isn’t anyone who needs the space next to you right now, even manspread. This will reduce the tension in your feet and thighs.

In order to avoid unwanted attention in a patriarchal environment, you may have to rethink your choice of clothes for this endeavour. Do you often wear something that permits a good look on your underwear once you sit with your legs open? Ditch it for work or other public tasks, and only wear it if you are directly looking for someone to have sex. Skirts or dresses that go over the knee are useful covering clothes, also dark leggings and trousers. This will actually reduce men pestering you in public because transgressive men are intimidated by a woman who is sitting straight (“I’m not bowing down for you”) and is filling her space (“This is my space, not yours”), and will rather pick a woman who is sitting “like a lady” as their next victim.

Fully unlearning these ways of sitting takes years. However, if you apply these changes every day, you will feel results after a few weeks. You will notice that you have less “bad days”, that you can focus better, and that you get more stuff done because of it.

If you combine this approach with regular massages of your feet, thighs and back, which take care of remaining tense muscles, this effect will be even better. You can do massages on your own body, ask or pay someone else, or request from your sex partner to give you massages during foreplay.

This is the main reason why sports such as gymnastics, yoga, and pilates are so popular among women: They open and stretch precisely those tense muscles. However, if you want to use such a sport for losing your physical suppression mechanism, you have to do your training and get used to a new way of sitting. Otherwise, you’ll spend a training session opening your muscles, but the whole time until the next workout to make them tense again.

You will also discover that you get horny more often, sometimes even in an inconvenient situation. If you are surprised about the frequency, remember: You always wanted sex this often. You just stopped recognizing the feeling, and instead got a bad mood.

If you encounter people who notice your new way of sitting, and try to shame you for it (“Women don’t sit like that.”, “Not quite ladylike”, etc.), don’t listen to them – even and especially if they are members of your family or friends. They have just revealed that they are fans of the patriarchy and that they will not support you on your quest to become a healthy woman. Prepare a few sentences by saying them out loud in front of the mirror: “I like it like that.”, “Do I know you?! Mind your own business!”, “Nope, not changing a thing.”, or whatever you can think of. Don’t engage in further conversation with strangers (leave, if necessary), and demand a change of topic with family or friends. If certain people keep bugging you, although you told them to stop, consider how much you want them in your life, and reduce contact accordingly.

2. Psychological suppression

Next, turn your attention to the psychological suppression mechanism. Do you have someone to have sex regularly? If you are in a relationship or married, this is straightforward. If you are single, apply the same techniques to your next hook-up, booty-call, or date. And regardless what your relationship status is, remember: A wank a day keeps the psychiatrist away. Treat bringing yourself to orgasm or giving yourself pleasant touches as an act of mental hygiene. Your mind also needs a wash from time to time.

Whenever you feel horny, approach your sex partner at the nearest opportunity and tell them in no uncertain words. If you don’t feel confident to do this, practice in front of the mirror: “I would like to have sex right now”, “You look hot. Let’s have sex”, etc. If you have consent to just touch them, do that, and wait for their reaction. You will feel a kind of inner resistance, or an unreasonable fear (something like “My face must look weird”) the first few times you do this. This is your internalized patriarchy speaking. Go against that, and do what you wanted to do. These feelings will diminish and eventually vanish with practice.

If all of this sounds too direct to you, think about nonverbal ways in which you could – undoubtedly – signal your desire to your sex partner. Is there a special piece of clothing you could put on? A book to put on the table? A meme you could send to their phone? A coded sentence you could say? Collect a few ideas like this and jot them down.

Next, approach your sex partner with these ideas: “I’m trying to be more initiative with sex. I could wear / say / do this, to show that I am horny, and that I want you to touch me. What do you like best?” Agree on a message that you can do in private and another in public. The important part is that you have discussed this method before you try it, and that it is crystal clear to your sex partner which message means what. If you don’t do this properly, the method is useless since you will still communicate your desire in an unclear way.

If you make dissolving the physical as well as the psychological suppression mechanism your daily practice for months, you will be rewarded with slowly increasing feelings of arousal and sexual desire during masturbation and sex, together with easier and more satisfying orgasms.

3. Responsibility for your desires

Now, that you feel your desire more often, and communicate it clearly, there is still one patriarchal pattern left: Take responsibility for your desires and wishes not only before, but also during sex.

Therefore, do not expect from your male sex partner that he is better versed with a (for him) unknown, female body than you, who has been living in such a body for all your life. You always perceive best what feels pleasant or doesn’t, therefore it is also your responsibility to communicate these perceptions and wishes. Thus – say something if you find his movements too firm, too gentle, too quick, too slow, too deep or not deep enough. It is important that you do this verbally, in clear, unambiguous words! Your sex partner / boyfriend / husband will not notice different volumes of moaning or sounds of breath, or if he does, he won’t understand correctly what they mean, if you did not provide a translation to him before.

One trick to reduce misunderstandings about your wishes is the following: Put yourself in his perspective and tell him exactly what he should do:


Good: Better:
“Not so fast!” “Slow down!”
“Uh! Yeah!” “Uh! Keep it like that.”
“It hurts!” “It hurts! Please stop moving.”
“Gnnn…” “Put your hand on … and do …”

Try starting sex by doing a masturbation technique that you like while he is pleasuring you. It’s quite unfair to expect foreplay as solely the task of the active sex partner, instead, split it 50-50, or at least 40-60 between you and him. Of course, this doesn’t mean that he can drop his part. Tell him which touches or techniques turn you on, which are okay, but boring, and which you don’t want him to do.

If you do not yet know what makes you horny yourself – no problem: By recalling the things which didn’t feel good, you can slowly discover, what remains and does feel good. Be it from inexperience or because you are trying out something new – take your time in order to find your optimal conditions:

  • Position your arms, hands, and legs until everything lies comfortably.
  • Place yourself on cushions or rolled up covers with your head, back, belly or pelvis.
  • Sit or kneel in a way that your feet are relaxed.
  • Support your feet with a table, a stool or the wall.
  • Ask your guy to hold your legs, or put them onto his shoulders.

Don’t get stressed: It is entirely healthy for your body to need a few seconds to adjust itself after a change to new conditions, before you can feel arousal and desire again. Therefore, wait a little after each change, in order to realize whether the situation already fits. If not, you can try out the next change. Everything is allowed that feels good for both of you.

While male desire comes in an unbroken exponential curve, female desire moves in waves becoming larger over time. With much sexual experience, these waves change and meet in the middle. Therefore, if something feels rather lukewarm for a few seconds, don’t worry – the next wave of desire is, in all probability, already on its way. If, however, something feels lukewarm for longer than half of a minute and doesn’t become better, you can try the following solutions (depending on how you feel):

  • Slightly shift your position.
  • Use or add more lubricant.
  • Wipe over parts that are too wet (as this can cause insufficient stimulation)
  • Suggest changing speed
  • Suggest changing depth.
  • Change to another sex position entirely
  • Touch or rub yourself to enhance pleasure.

A likely result of your experiments will be that you don’t orgasm by penetration alone, but only if your clitoris gets direct stimulation, be it with fingers, orally, with a toy, or by rubbing against something. If this is a surprise to you because you have seen women come by penetration many times in movies or porn and you wonder whether something is wrong with you or your partner, don’t worry, as you have fallen prey to a very common sex myth:

Women do not orgasm with their vagina, but with their clitoris. The most sensitive parts of the clitoris lie outside the vagina, around and below the visible clitoral head. Only a minority of women is able to orgasm just by penetration, because an inner part of her clitoris has grown into a lucky position and is reached by penetration.

Therefore, find out how you can stimulate your clitoris well, while your guy adds other stimulation (fucks your vagina, pleasures you orally, fingers you or stimulates your anus). Some women can do clitoris stimulation best with their hands, others have more fun with a vibrator. In any case try different vibrators, with varying strengths or patterns of vibration (soft, strong, changing, etc.), in order to find out with which you can have the easiest orgasm. Don’t aim at having the best orgasm possible, this will only put you under pressure and diminish the intensity of your desire and orgasm as a result. Keep in mind the basic principle of engineering instead: First make it work, then make it work better.

Experiment with the possibilities any time something feels uncomfortable or boring. Ask your guy for a short break in his movements, or that he should give you more freedom of movement. Briefly explain to him, however, what you are intending (“Wait a moment, I need to move” / “I need … etc.”), so that you are on the same page, and that he can, if necessary, help you by handing you something, adjusting the cushions, etc.

If a sex encounter or a new variant did not work out as you imagined, try it again – possibly under altered conditions, which might make it work better (more time, another place, with the help of sex toys or lubricant, etc.). There is no reason why you should not play with your clit when penetration is over and/or that you ask your guy to stimulate you further. If he has come too early, or you just want more, it is also a good way to bridge his refractive period until he gets an erection again.

Men, due to the social role “man” in which they were raised, easily think that they must always perfectly “man up” with a woman, even if they are with a woman like you who does not care about that. By unmistakably asking him to continue, or for a next time, he will know that you still find him attractive, and you both have the chance for a further attempt, which you can enjoy without stress.

A gentleman will be considerate and take his time with your wishes and your experimentation, and perhaps try to help with careful suggestions. The more frequently you have sex, and play it by trial-and-error, the faster you will find out which techniques and positions are pleasant to you, and the faster you will be able to adjust yourself to them next time.

When you know that certain things turn you on, tell him not only during sex, but also during everyday situations, what you would like him to do (again) – or what would be a waste of time, because it simply doesn’t work for you. Again, tell him exactly what he should do:

“That time was really good.” “You make me so hot when you do … Could you please do this every time we have sex?”
“You never do …” “Could you try … the next time we have sex?”
“Fine! For you!” “This doesn’t do anything for me, but if you like it that much, I’ll do it for you on occasion.”
“I don’t like that.” “I don’t like it when you do … It actually diminishes my pleasure. Please don’t do it again.”

Look at what you have already done together, but also draw on your fantasies during masturbation, sex scenes, erotic stories, and / or porn – and involve varieties that you do not know (yet), such as BDSM or sex between women. Even if you don’t find such scenarios super hot, you will definitely come across some new varieties, techniques, or words that turn you on.

The reason behind your preferences, if you know it, is not relevant: Sex is like food – everyone has their taste. Turn-ons for others may be uninteresting to you, and vice versa. Ask your sex partner / boyfriend / husband again in this direct way, and try some stuff together.

At first sight, a sexually inexperienced man who wants to help you enjoy yourself, but simply does not know how yet, is difficult to tell apart from an intentionally ignorant man, who doesn’t care about your sexual pleasure and who is only out for his own satisfaction. If you apply all these measures, you will be able to recognize without doubt which of these two types you have encountered.

For this reason, it is a very bad idea to pretend to have signals of desire or to fake an orgasm. With an inexperienced man this is an ineffective strategy: He will then remember how he “got you off”, which, in reality, was no fun at all, and will repeat exactly these techniques the next time you have sex. And with an intentionally ignorant man it is as if you praised a dog for shitting on the carpet: He will think that his lack of interest is sufficient and might behave even more inconsiderate next time.

You have encountered an intentionally ignorant man, if he:

  • Does not react to your feedback.
  • Agrees, but then continues without changes.
  • Tries to persuade you to already discussed unwanted contact or varieties: “Don’t be so complicated …”
  • Just continues unwanted contact or techniques although you have already stated on multiple occasions that they are not pleasant for you.

Should he bring one of these reactions along, best stop the sex and demand fair play. If he is just insecure, and asks what this is about, explain to him clearly and without offending him, what you wish him to do. Should he, however, show no willingness to learn and prattles instead, get up and out, even if he is your boyfriend or husband. Better an open conflict, after, when he has really listened, you might have better sex than lifelong bad sex.

Small medical excursion

If you feel pain during sex (for example, itching, burning or stinging), this is a clear indication of your body that you have an infection in or on your genitals. Let a doctor look into it.

Unfortunately, because of stereotypes against women in Western medicine, there are some doctors who, after only one examination, label pain during sex as a “psychological” or “psychosomatic” problem. If your doctor describes your problem with these phrases after the first check-up, change the doctor! In this context, these are specialist speech for “I have no idea what causes the problem, but I cannot admit that”. Pain during sex actually can have psychological causes, like subconscious fears or past traumatic experiences, these can, however, only be recognized beyond reasonable doubt if all physical causes have either been eliminated or successfully treated.

No doctor can correctly diagnose a genital infection or even psychosomatic problem at first guess! You can tell a professional doctor by these methods:

  • They assume several different illnesses,
  • They send you to other specialists (a specialised laboratory, doctors of other disciplines) for further tests before settling on a diagnosis.
  • They suggest different drugs to treat the condition, including alternative medicine.

A little-known but not rare gynaecological problem, by the way, is vulvodynia, which causes pain either inside the vagina and/or outside at its entrance – without a current infection. Vulvodynia can occur as a consequence of repeated past infections with bacteria or fungi, or as a symptom of a current infection with HPV.