Many straight or bisexual women who are in a straight relationship complain about the following:
“When my boyfriend/husband is inside me during sex, it feels as if he is just poking around. His movements are not unpleasant, but the sex is not exciting. I rarely / never reach orgasm with the help of penetration. Other techniques, however, such as masturbation / cunnilingus, seem to do the trick much better.”
A man who is “poking around” is giving most women the impression that he is choosing his movements randomly or to only follow his own desire. Far from this, the man’s ineptitude is most often a consequence of the fact that he is inexperienced with sexual intercourse. He either has had sex just a few times yet, or he had his past sexual experiences and/or former relationship(s) with women who were just as inexperienced and could not provide him guidance on how to do better.
As I have observed, the man is not as clumsy by nature but unconsciously follows a logical path. Actually, it is very few men who do not care at all whether they are giving the woman sexual pleasure. The reason is instead rooted in behavioural rules of the social role “man” which most men get instilled by education, starting at birth. A false belief of the social role “man” states: “More is always better.”
Among other things, it also affects the male sex life where it is the origin of the obsession and the inferiority complex that many men feel about their penis’ size (“Bigger is always better”). For women, the extent of such concerns is often completely incomprehensible, either because they have been educated in the social role “woman” and thus without such a belief, or because, as owner of a vagina, they know from their own experience that a penis too big can complicate sexual intercourse or even cause them pain. As a consequence, the latter will see the man with the biggest penis as an interesting erotic experiment maybe, but will prefer a man with a comfortable or more practical penis size for a long-term sexual involvement or a romantic relationship.
During all straight sexual activities, especially penis-in-vagina intercourse – but also cunnilingus, penetration with fingers or a dildo, and anal penetration – this belief leads to the following: The man thinks that the harder, faster or deeper he goes, the more the woman will enjoy the sex. This is the root of two behaviours that so many women complain about, so that, among women, they have become a cliché when they talk about sexual experiences:
- At the beginning of penetration, the man goes as deep as he can, followed by fast thrusts, thinking that the woman will find the most pleasure in a rocket start.
- If the woman is showing signs of sexual enjoyment, he increases his speed (further) or thrusts her even more deeply. If his movements were so good that she is undoubtedly enjoying them, then moving faster and deeper will give her even more pleasure.
Both techniques are, however, a misunderstanding: Most female bodies simply do not work in this way.
1. Rocket start
For a woman’s ability to experience pleasure out of movements in her vagina, two conditions must be met:
- She must have a vaginal erection: Women, just like men, get erections when they are sufficiently relaxed and aroused. The clit and the tissue around the vagina swell and increase in size, and also become more sensitive. This is necessary because most people require their genitals being touched in a way that they enjoy, in order to present a useful erection.
- She must be wet enough: Both the inside of her vagina and its entrance should offer a good glide.
As long as the woman has a vaginal erection, each vagina, respectively the tissue around it, adapts to the length, diameter and form of an inserted penis, fingers or object. This is done by the body of every woman, without her consciously doing anything. The duration of this adaptation, however, differs by the individual – it can take a few seconds to some minutes. Both time spans are healthy and depend on the amount of inner tension the woman experiences. The deepest relaxation possible highly depends on whether the woman feels safe in the sexual situation (consent), and whether the man treats her politely (fairness)! If she has been offered too little time to adjust herself to the “filling”, or has not enjoyed the kind of touch (or the lack thereof) that she has received, the penetration chafes at yet unprepared areas, which the woman experiences as an uncomfortable feeling.
Although every woman gets wet when she is sexually aroused, the amount of fluid differs by individual. Some get so wet the liquid starts running down their thighs, others produce only a few drops that become distinguishable only after the sexual intercourse has taken place. Both amounts are healthy and do not state anything about the kind of sexual intercourse she wants to have right now: A very wet woman does not necessarily desire hard fucking, and an apparently dry woman can be nevertheless especially horny. Best way to find out: Ask her. If she is among the women who become little wet by their own fluid – or if she just experiences a less wet day – use lubricant, spit, or other gliding products that are healthy for human membranes to provide the necessary wetness (water does not do the trick because it does not glide!). This gliding effect must be given everywhere inside the vagina and at its entrance, otherwise the penetration adheres to the too dry area which generates an uncomfortable feeling.
The first few movements inside the vagina therefore have the purpose to allow the woman’s body to adapt sufficiently and to distribute the liquid evenly over the parts of her vulva which are going to be penetrated.
If, however, the man begins to insert his penis with great depth or speed, for most women, the penetration does not fulfil the aim of giving her pleasant feelings, but a neutral, boring feeling or an even unpleasant chafing instead. This is rather not the ideal beginning of an enjoyable sex experience. For a sensitive woman or one who has overcome a genital infection shortly before (like a bladder infection), this technique can even feel mainly painful and terminate her interest in further sexual interaction immediately.
2. Going faster is not necessarily better
For a woman (or any receiving sex partner) to feel any sexual pleasure, she must allow to “get moved”, meaning to swing along to his movements. If she is showing signs of pleasure, it means that she is swinging well – she enjoys the man’s movements, just how they are right now. If the man is changing his movements at this point, he is also changing the pattern the woman has adapted to, which causes her feelings of pleasure to drop or disappear suddenly. The woman will need some time to adjust herself to the changed pattern. But, as soon as she is relaxed sufficiently to enjoy the new pattern and shows signs of pleasure again, the man tries again to speed up his movements, etc.
While it would be simple to observe this linear dynamic and change it, the situation is more complicated. No man is able to speed up his movements consistently like a fucking-machine. A man who is constantly trying to fuck harder, will therefore slow down his movements suddenly and then speed them up again, either because the fast thrusts exhaust him or excite him too much so that he will reach (or has already reached) orgasm too soon. This leads to total confusion of the woman. Every time she is relaxed enough and feels pleasure, the feeling drops suddenly. Furthermore, the man does not only move abruptly faster, but also abruptly slows down, in a seemingly random order, and as a consequence, she does not know what to expect next and how to adjust herself. As a result, this leaves the woman in need to concentrate excessively to feel constant pleasure during sexual intercourse, or she gives up and does not react to the man’s movements (any more), just waiting for him to reach orgasm since the concentration exercise is (or has become) too exhausting compared to its pleasure gain.
As a man, you can stop this dynamic by doing the following:
No matter how urgently you desire to fuck her hard – always begin the penetration half as deeply and half as fast as you would like it right now. Alternatively, you can use your fingers to slowly (!) touch her vulva and the inside of her vagina, in order to relax her and make her wet before you use your penis. If you wish to increase depth and/or speed, as a rule of thumb, do it after the fifth thrust at the earliest. Exception: She tells you directly that she would like it deeper or faster.
If the woman starts showing signs of pleasure after this initial phase, meaning she is suddenly breathing more deeply, moaning, sighing or articulating affirmative sounds such as “Yes!”, continue your movements exactly as they are right now. It is by the way not relevant whether you fuck her fast or slowly – the important part is to keep the rhythm the same! Hence select a sufficiently comfortable position where you can apply depth and speed in such a way that you can carry on longer than a few seconds, without having to change your pattern.
Change depth and speed only if one of the following happens:
- She tells you directly that she likes it better faster or more slowly, more deeply or less deeply.
- You find that you do not gain sufficient pleasure from your own movements.
- You happen to lie/sit/stand uncomfortably and would like to change into a more comfortable position.
If you cannot tell whether your woman is (still) enjoying the sex (you cannot tell whether she has dozed off, is thinking about the grocery list, is watching the television running nearby, or is indeed enjoying the sex with you, but very quietly), ask her to tell or show you what feels good for her. If she does not like to show loud signs of pleasure, such as moaning, she can say simply articulate “Yes!” as soon as one of your movements causes her sexual pleasure.
It is important to know that male desire comes in an unbroken exponential curve, while female desire moves in waves becoming larger over time. If the woman experiences something as rather neutral this does not mean that she does not enjoy the overall sex – the next pleasure wave may already be on its way and kick in mere seconds later. If she, however, signalizes that something feels neutral and does not get better over half of a minute – or shows any reaction that you do not understand – pause your movements, and ask her what she wishes for you to do right now. If she is not able to tell you because she does not know for sure either, encourage her to experiment a little with her body. If she is self-confident, she will begin to experiment by herself, without you asking her.
Give her some time and space: She will not (be able to) find the perfect position immediately, and may have to readjust the position of her arms, legs or pelvis several times, before she wants to continue the sexual stimulation. She may even request you to continue your movements, only to signalize shortly afterwards that she needs a pause again because the position does not feel as good as she has thought. The following solutions are frequent:
- To shift the position slightly.
- To apply or reapply additional wetness.
- To change the speed.
- To change the depth or …
- To change entirely into another sex position.
All these behaviours are healthy and form an essential part of good sex since they make it possible to find the best conditions under which all participants can equally get sexual pleasure . Do not ask her immediately after the change, whether she finds it better – she cannot know that so quickly, as her body must first adjust itself to the new conditions. Just continue: If the change was a good idea, you will recognise that by her renewed signs of pleasure. If you are unsure, you can ask her of course – however, as said before, with some time delay.
Be careful, should you find out that you find the results of her experimentation not so attractive at some point. She was raised in the social role “woman”, which means that she has been devalued for her sexual desires and initiative by the majority of her social environment, for her whole life. To feel her body and sexuality and, especially, to experiment with that, with you watching, already required quite some courage. If you get impatient, nervous or derogatory about her experimentation now and show it openly or comment accordingly (“You look strange”, “Bah, what are you doing now?!”, “Are you a slut, or what?”, etc.), can effectually mean that:
- She won’t have any further sexual intercourse with you.
- Annoyed, she confronts your irreverent behaviour.
- She subconsciously drops back into her conditioned role, and it takes weeks or months of boring or no sex at all until she trusts you again sufficiently in order to resume your quest for good sexual intercourse.
The best strategy might be to simply watch her experimentation without comment while being helpful (by adjusting cushions, handing lubricant or sex toys, etc.). If you notice that you become impatient, relax with the thought that your sex will not always be like that, but that she is finding techniques right now which she will be able to apply much faster in a few months, because she is developing a better feeling for her own body, her sexual desires, and you as sex partner. What you can and even should communicate, are compliments, or if what she is doing becomes physically unpleasant for you.
On first sight a sexually inexperienced woman, who would like to enjoy sexual intercourse with you, but simply does not know how yet, is difficult to differentiate from an intentionally ignorant woman, who has no interest in mutual lustful encounters, but uses sexual intercourse as a sort of currency instead, in order to extort from you romantic attention, gifts or financial support (“wants to be a kept woman”). The application of all of these measures makes it possible for you to recognize – doubtlessly – which of these two types you have before you presently. You are probably facing an intentionally ignorant woman, if she:
- Does not react to your requests to communicate what she finds good or not so good – both during sex, and in discussions thereafter.
- Claims that she would like to be more interactive during sex, but then freezes and does nothing, and never addresses the topic by herself again.
- Reacts aggressively if you take a break during sex, or ask her what she enjoys and wants you to do.
- Tells you that your discussion attempts would be “unnerving” or “immature”, and that “a real man” would know what she wants without asking – or, that past sex partners would have known it all by themselves.
Should she show one of these reactions, best break off sex and demand fair behaviour. If she is just insecure, and inquires what’s going on, she has probably reacted destructively as a pre-emptive strike because she hastily assumed that you will devalue her like many other men before you, as soon as she honestly shows her pleasure. In this case be very friendly to her and ensure her that you will treat her fair and with empathy. Should she, however, show no willingness to learn and tries to produce instead, get up and out, even if the sex partner is your girlfriend or wife. Better an open conflict, after which you might have better sex when she has really listened, than lifelong bad sex.