How does a sexually open relationship work? – part 3/4: Real Life

You have talked a lot about your sexual fantasies, interests other than sex that make you special as a couple, your desires as well as your fears. You have told your sexual fantasies to each other while having sex and in doing so, you both were able to spice up your sex life as a couple. Now you would like to pursue your sexual fantasies not only in the form of stories, but also in real life:

Look for “swinging” on the internet
Read evaluations of different swinger clubs on independent websites
Look for “code of conduct”, “recommended behaviour” or the like on websites of swinger clubs and locations with erotic events. If a location’s website does not offer such guidelines, don’t go there, no matter how exciting the listed events seem to be. These locations can be confusing, for beginners in particular, and navigating your interests will be hard to achieve. Even experienced swingers tend to avoid these locations.

Visit a swinger club with good evaluations together, and watch how the people there interact with one another. Talk to the people or couples present who seem to be nice people at first impression.

The basic rules are the following:

Everything can happen, but nothing is bound to happen!
No means No!
Perhaps also means No! (for now – but you can ask me a second time later)

Connect with experienced swingers, and if they are really nice, ask them for advice how to communicate and navigate in a swinger space.

Unfortunately, even in swinger clubs you can come across unpleasant, rude or even sexually offensive people (mostly men) who act in the way of rape culture. If you have been the target of offensive behaviour or if you have witnessed a possible offence, tell the club’s personnel at once, since they are responsible to remove offenders from the club immediately! If the personnel does not respond or is unable to cope, leave the club and put your (negative) evaluation of this particular club on the internet.

If you have found attractive people – in a club or on a swinger website on the internet – first check with each other if this couple/these people are really ok for both of you. Then meet at a swingers club for a drink and talk about your sexual wishes openly.

Beginners or inexperienced swingers tend to talk a lot about their working life or other unrelated topics before they mention their sexual wishes. This is an indication for nervousness and the patriarchal imprint that a merely sexual impulse without any “higher” attraction would be demeaning towards all persons involved.

This is a part of the patriarchal construct about the social role “woman”, as well as all patriarchal constructs derived from it (patriarchal monogamy and polyamory). Therefore, this belief is bullshit.

Stay friendly and directly suggest desired sexual situations to the other person(s). Most of them who are too nervous to address their desires directly are relieved if somebody else breaks the ice.


  • “I would really like it, if you …”
  • “Can I touch your breasts?”
  • “I would like to give you a handjob.”
  • “Would you like to fuck me?”

When the other person(s) are not able to give you a straight answer, but seem to be choked, pissed or socially awkward despite the fact that you were friendly and polite, they are probably in conflict with themselves or as a couple.
If they respond with no, that means no.
In both cases the same reaction is valid: Say good bye politely and seek other attractive people for your casual sex wishes.

As soon as consent has been verbally covered, just as much can happen via nonverbal communication: Someone starts to touch you at the thigh and if you show a positive response, goes on to your genitals. If you show a rejecting reaction, he/she stops and suggests something else or leaves.

So it is finally happening:

You have found suitable persons, who, in principle, share your sexual fantasies. You have occupied a comfortable place in the swinger club.
Now it is essential to clearly communicate individual wishes and boundaries before and during sexual activities:

  • “I would like the following: …”
  • “I would like to do … with you”
  • “This doesn’t feel good at the moment, can we do … instead?”

These recommendations concern the sexual level (= intimacy scale’s Level 3). As already described further above, romantic activities (kissing, smooching, cuddling, caressing) should only take place in this setting between you as romantic partners, NOT between one of you and a casual sex partner.

If, during a sexual situation, negative feelings arise between you as a couple, rather stop the sexual activity instead of ignoring your feelings – since this does never work.

Signalize participating persons that you need some time to talk as a couple. Sit in a corner or go outside where you can talk with one another without getting interrupted or overheard.

Look at the situation and inside you and seach for what has triggered the negative feelings or if something is not ok about the situation in general. Sometimes, one romantic partner just needs to be reassured of the other’s love and romantic feelings by kissing, a long hug or some affectionate words before you can go back into the sexual situation. Sometimes, however, a deeper issue has come to the surface, which cannot be solved by the means of a short discussion. In this case, leaving the club is a better idea. Discuss the issue with each other as soon as you have taken some time for relationship work.